Lancelot's Surgery

Yesterday was Lancelot's ear surgery. I hate hospitals and I was so worried about the surgery but we all managed fairly well! If you remember this you'll know how much hospitals break my heart and how one of my biggest fears for the surgery was having to not let Lancelot eat again. Our experiences with him having to be NPO at birth were so traumatic that I just couldn't imagine going through that again. Thankfully though this time was much different. Lancelot actually did really well with not eating. In the morning he was a little upset at breakfast but we distracted him by taking turns playing toys in the kids bedrooms while we got ready to go. He slept all the way to the hospital and then we managed to keep him distracted enough with balls we had brought along until his surgery that the only time he got a bit irritated again was when he accidentally saw the bottle we had brought along for after.

Even I held up okay! There were a few moments when I almost lost it and ok, a few moments when the tears did fall, but I held it together and managed to not completely break down. So yay me! When we first got to the hospital I was REALLY panicky that I wouldn't be able to do it. The hospital smelled like hospital...a total trigger for my PTSD....and we had to walk through a lot of the areas where we were when Lancelot was born. Then when we checked in there was this mom there who was probably no more than 3-5 years older than me who had three little kids with her...and the youngest, a 3-4 year old girl...was clearly there for cancer treatment. And looking at that mom all by herself with three kids in a hospital obviously trying to navigate a nightmare yet still looking totally calm and put together....that was just about to much for me. I wanted to turn and run and deny all reality. It made me wonder if there will ever be a time when our kids are healthy and we can stop focusing on that and seeing that around us all the time and have a normal life with different problems besides health. Will that day ever come?

The other two things that almost made me lose it were this ten year old boy who was having surgery at the same time as Lancelot but for something else and was trying SO hard to be brave that he just broke my heart, and watching Lancelot go into surgery.

Going IN to surgery was actually no big deal for Lancelot. They had all these different types of cars for the kids to play with in the pre-op waiting room and he was so excited by them that he was totally distracted. The nurse that came to take him to surgery let him drive this one little car while she pushed it and he was having so much fun he wouldn't even let us kiss him! He drove through the O.R. doors and didn't even look back!

However coming out of surgery was a little traumatic. They had promised us that the moment he started to wake up they'd come get us but apparently he came out of the O.R. awake already and they still took 20 minutes to come get us!!!! So needless to say he was a bit traumatized. That was honestly probably the worst thing for him. For the rest of the day if one of us left his sight he would start crying as if we weren't coming back. Even in the car on the way home when Prince Charming got out to fill up gas he totally broke down. That is EXTREMELY unusual for him because he's a pretty independent kid and while he might occasionally cry if I leave he pretty much NEVER cries when Prince Charming does...especially if we're just in the car filling up. So we could tell that the experience had made him a bit insecure.

But overall he did well. By the time we were in the main recovery room he was laughing and trying to run around already! And last night when we came home he even ate some supper and was back to his usual goofy self trying to make us laugh by putting food on his head! Plus he was so excited to see his sister again that the two of them got totally hyper and chased each other all over the house. I had to put an end to it since I didn't really think Lancelot was up to being so boisterous...even though he thought he was....but it was good to see my kids so happy together!

Despite the good result I still struggled with the day and with knowing we will have to be back there in a couple months for his other surgery. I am actually debating cancelling it...so we'll see. Please continue to pray for us in this regard and thank you to everyone who prayed for us yesterday!

Lancelot's Ball Themed Birthday Bash

I haven't uploaded photos onto here for awhile so I can't quite remember how to do it properly. So forgive me for these being a little out of order and the captions are strange, etc. Below are some balloons, His birthday hat that had his name and a big polka dotted number one sewed on (it came with a matching T-shirt from Etsy and it was SOOO cute), and the goody bags for the kids who attended. Each kid got a nerf ball!
One of the bouquets of balloons. Each bouquet had a foil balloon in a different color with a bunch of multi-colored 1st birthday balloons. The decorations on the wall were made by Little Lady and I. We cut them out of construction paper.
The main ball cake and Lancelot's personal ball cake. Both were made from a vanilla almond pound cake and were filled with blueberries, whip cream, and vanilla pudding. I dirty iced them with a butter cream icing and then did the rest with marshmallow fondant.The three cakes. The other cake was an extra cake since I didn't think the ball would be enough for all the guests. The extra cake was called Butter Rich Cinnamon Coffee Cake and was iced the same way as the other two.

A shot of the food table. The hanging balls were made by Little Lady and I as well. We took Styrofoam balls and covered them in multi-colored tissue paper then attached ribbon.Here is another shot of the food table. All the food was round or balled. We had balled melons, round crackers, cheese cut in round slices to match the crackers, round chocolate chip cookies, round oreo cookies, round jello jigglers, tostitos rounds, other round chips, cucumber slices, m & m's, blueberries, round burger patties with round burger buns, round tomato slices, round onion slices, round cheese cut outs to match the burgers, round fries, etc. Some more shots of the main ball cake from both sides. I did one side as a little smiling monster!The next picture is Lancelot climbing out of his ball pit into his bouncy castle. The inflatable ball pit/bouncy castle was a gift from my parents for his birthday and has been a HUGE hit around here! Both kids spend at least an hour in it every day and all the kids at the birthday party thought it was amazing! By the way...remember that baby who had everyone freaked out because he wouldn't grow? Well this picture of him on his FIRST birthday...know what size of clothes he's wearing in it? 2T!

ONE

Lancelot is ONE! This picture was taken this morning when he first woke up. For the last few days when you ask him how old he is this is what he does. Then he laughs and claps. :o) So happy to be where we are today rather than where we were a year ago!!! Feeling extremely grateful.

Lancelot had a fabulous day and enjoyed all the ball decorations I have already set up for his party Saturday. Every time somebody walked into the room today he made sure to point them out with an excited "Baw! Baw!" and he could hardly go down for his nap because he was so excited about the "baws". It was the first thing he said when he opened his eyes from his nap, "Baw?" to make sure they were still there.

He also chose today to take his first couple steps!! He only did it once, I think because he wasn't paying attention so he just took off, and then his sister pulled him down. Little Lady was about at the same spot on her first birthday and by the following weekend was walking pretty well so we'll see how he does in the next few days.

We had a great family party with my parents and Lancelot happily destroyed his little cake I made for the occasion (very different from Little Lady who was completely a lady, surprise surprise, and ate her first birthday cake with a fork!). I couldn't believe he even ate cake because I had made his favorite supper of chicken fettuccine alfredo and he had eaten like a horse! Actually he didn't so much eat the cake as lick all the icing and then destroy the cake looking for all the blueberries which he was THRILLED to discover look like "baws!" when mommy doesn't cut them up or mash them!

After cake he was very excited to open his presnts...well Little Lady was very excited to open his presents FOR him and he was very excited to play with them. We finally have some "boy" toys in the house and he was totally enthralled with his tool set and trucks and went right to work "fixing" them. I thought it was pretty cute that just by watching daddy do it a few times on our car he had already picked up that concept! My parents bought him an inflatable bouncy castle with an inflatable ball pit attached and after a few minutes of warming up to it...which probably took longer due to the EXTREMELY excited three year old who couldn't stop bouncing... he was super hyper and throwing himself head first down the slide or doing belly flops into the ball pit! Definitely an entertaining toy and should be a blast for the party Saturday!

Happy Birthday baby boy! I am a very blessed mama to have you in my home and be able to hold you in my arms! I love you so much!

A Year

A year ago today I was tired....actually exhausted is more accurate. I was uncomfortable, grouchy, and basically at the very end of my rope as far as the whole pregnancy thing was concerned. All I could think about was how the hormones were a wild hurricane inside me and SOMEBODY GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME ALREADY! I'm not joking when I say we had been trying just about every trick in the book to get the labor train rolling and Prince Charming was far from charmed by my advances at that point. My doctor had been assuring me for WEEKS that I was already partially dilated and my water was bulging and on the very verge of breaking...her exact words were "If my finger nail was a LITTLE sharper you'd be in labor already." I was seriously considering filing my fingernails to a point. Little Lady's arrival was much the same and so I suppose I should have expected it....and really I had little to complain about considering I didn't even reach my due date either time. But after nine months of every conceivable pregnancy symptom from nausea to immobilizing pain, after bed rest and medications and stress and worry and test after test....well you're just ready for it to be over.

I think the worst thing is actually how babies mess with your head. For MONTHS in both pregnancy's I would have contractions. Even really regular ones that lasted for hours at a time so I was never really sure if THIS time was THE time or not. The only way for me to know for sure was when my water broke both times....and even then my daughter took ANOTHER TWENTY-TWO excruciating hours to arrive. Stubborn from the very beginning.

Lancelot on the other hand...when he decided he was finally going to make his entrance he did it with a bang. Just as he approaches most of life. "I'll decide when I'm ready but trust me you're not going to miss MY entrance!"

Anyway, my point in this post is that a year ago today I couldn't fathom being here. And in that first week of his life I often wondered if we would ever get here. To Lancelot's first birthday. Tomorrow my baby turns one. I can't tell you how monumental that feels to me. There have been so many times I thought I wouldn't get to see this day in my little boys life. But he is here and he is a bundle of energy with a bright smile and bubbly personality and I WILL get to celebrate this milestone with him. Just reflecting on everything in the last year, and the fact that, despite still being exhausted and definitely worn from the journey, we are HERE....makes me feel so blessed. I remember overhearing another mom in the NICU have a conversation with a nurse about how she didn't think she'd be able to get over her sons start in life in time to go back to work at a year. The nurse said that in a year she'd be so busy with an active, healthy boy that this would just be a memory, a small bump on the road. I wouldn't quite go that far yet...probably because for us things haven't totally settled down yet, but in a lot of ways she was right.

Happy almost Birthday Lancelot! Can't wait to celebrate with you!

Check back in a couple of days for party pictures!

If anyone's still out there...

I have been a terrible blogger. And actually I have a lot to say...I just haven't found the time or words to say it. And truthfully I still don't have them.

But here is two quick thoughts for now and I'll try to post more later.

1. Lancelot is ALMOST walking and he is STRONG! This morning Little Lady was being silly and sitting in the laundry basket. Lancelot crawled over, stood up, then prroceeded to push the laundry basket, with her in it, all over the house. She is almost 4...he is 11 months!!! Then later she was sitting eating a snack at the table and Lancelot comes along and PUSHES THE HEAVY OAK CHAIR and his older sister nonchalantly across the kitchen. While his poor sister screamed "PUT ME BACK!"

2. Lancelot has an ultrasound and a VCUG on June 3rd to determine the cause of his UTI's. We are PRAYING he will only need a circumcision and nothing else. Prayer has saved this little guy several times in his life already. Please pray with us. He will also have surgery in July for ear tubes. I am nervous about another surgery. Please pray. Please pray for HEALTH in our home so that we can catch our breath, and our sleep, and think about other things in life for awhile. Please.

Cope

It's worse than we thought. The emergency room doctors were wrong. Lancelot DOES have a UTI and he will need to go on antibiotichs again. Plus have a kidney ultrasound and possibly more extensive testing. I am so tired. I don't really know how to cope with yet ANOTHER medical issue.

Reverse Birth Control

Recently a child free friend who joined me and the kids at the grocery store during one of Little Lady's more...demanding... days commented that these kids are birth control all on their own. And there are days when boy is she bang on. But today has had the reverse effect of my reproductive longings.

First of all in the last few days I have finally started to see the effects of some really intentional discipline on Little Lady. After feeling exceptionally frustrated with her lately we decided to change our tactics slightly to IMMEDIATE, calm, and related consequences to misbehavior. For example rather than calling her to the table ten million times we call her once and if she doesn't come we call her again and say if she doesn't come right now the toy she is distracted with will be taken away for a day. Then we follow through. All of it is done calmly and quickly. Zero yelling or delaying. It's been REALLY hard sometimes not to snap at her or to carry through when I'd really rather not or to actually discipline her when I almost feel it would be quicker, and take me from what I'm doing less, if I just continued to call. But something had to change for all our sanity so we gave it a try. On top of that we've really been focusing on good behavior and on spending quality time with her.

Anyway, today she has been an angel, listening the first time I tell her to do something and with a smile on her face. But the real boost to my baby desire came when I asked her to clean her room so I could vacuum. It was a pretty big mess from her very imaginative morning and usually she will pick up a few things and I will end up doing the rest. Since she's only three I usually feel pretty content if she just helps out with some of the stuff or does one of the jobs, like put away all her ponies. So I wasn't expecting much but when I walked in the WHOLE room was clean. It was like a miracle! My little cleaning prodigy!

Lancelot also impressed me today by beginning to stand on his own while holding an object and by walking a step or two between furniture. I feel some intense independence coming on. It won't be long until I really won't have a baby anymore.

On top of that Lancelot and her played house ALONE (with me peeking to make sure nobody was passed out or anything) in his room for HALF AN HOUR today! Well, she played house and he cooperatively crawled in and out of doors when she told him to and otherwise played with his toys and ate his feet. But nobody bit, kicked, hit, or cried about the other kid! And Lancelot, a complete mamma's boy, didn't even attempt to crawl away to find me or scream for me to scoop him up and get him back into my sight! I was totally in awe. It really was worth it to have siblings!

Now if only there was a way to skip the sleepless nights, sickness, and stress I think I'd practically be begging for another baby!

Gesundheit

"AH-CHOO!" Lancelot sends splatters of cereal off into space.
Little Lady looks up from her breakfast with surprise....
"Mommy he bless you'd all over me!"



Little Lady looks out the window.
"There's a bus!"
At the word bus Lancelot explodes with laughter
"Bus" His sister says again.
Lancelot begins giggling so hard he can hardly sit still
"Bus" Big sister repeats
His sides are splitting, his eyes are tearing, he can't catch his breath.
This continues for ten minutes.
Apparently Little Lady is an up and coming comedian. It was lost on me but the laughter was contagious!

"layme down prayers" and the magical world of Little Lady and Lancelot

I have often wondered at the wisdom my children acquire. Where do their sweet little brains go to soak up this information? Since I am a stay at home mom and my children rarely go anywhere at all without me I would LIKE to think it is all because of my superb parenting. But I doubt it. I am not a mom who uses Montessori methods in her home (at least not on purpose), I RARELY sit down and teach my kids ANYTHING. We hang out, we play, they watch me clean or come along on errands...but I don't purposefully teach anything. Of course Little Lady asks questions from time to time and I answer and sure, I try to throw in learning with the day. But it's totally casual and generally ignored like,
"Mommy I want an orange please."
"Sure. Did you know orange starts with the letter O?"
"Yup" She yells over her shoulder as she runs away.
That is the extent of my teaching. And yet somehow they still learn.

For example, this morning Little Lady is drawing at the table while I make her brothers breakfast.
"Mommy is this an E?" She asks
I walk over to her paper and sure enough she's got a bunch of E's. She has never written an E before. This is similar to the first letter she learned at about 2 and a half....one day she just wrote an H and knew what it was. She can now write several letters without any prompting at all and I didn't send her to some expensive pre-school or even a plain nursery "school" for her to learn it. I don't even home school.

She can also spell. One day while reading her Strawberry Shortcake book she asked how to spell "angel" then "cake". She can now spell both as well as the word moon and her name. Then my husband decided to put batteries in our old Word Whammer which has been laying around since Little Lady's second Christmas and has never been used. The first two words it asked her to spell were Web and Rim....she spelled them both.

And it's not just academic learning. We go to church and we pray with the kids and we have spiritual conversations between Prince Charming and I but we rarely even read bible stories to the kids. However somehow Little Lady has developed this angelic heart for the hurting and for God without a lot of prompting. After a conversation recently about how some kids don't have a mommy or daddy she has prayed daily for the "babies and kids that need us." She asks God to help us find them and today she told Prince Charming, "I'm asking God to lay the babies that need us on your heart." Apparently this kid must pick up on EVERYTHING!
She has also really been into singing to God lately. This I believe I can attribute to Sunday School though. She will make up ten minute long songs about "Pleasing the Lord, God wants you to please the Lord. Be a Trischan. Say Layme Down prayers. da da da da. Please the Lord." Tonight she took an appliance manual and sang this song "from the book" in front of the mirror for 15 minutes....naked. :o) So cute. But we don't even sing from books in our church....again...no idea.

Lancelot also seems to learn without any direct teaching. One day he just started to wave. We hadn't really worked on it...he just did it. And yesterday he started playing catch! We didn't show him. He just did it. He's 8 months old and he will "catch" the ball and throw it back! And trust me we are NOT a sporty family. This was definitely not taught!

Seriously these kids amaze me. They are beautiful and snuggly and smiley and smart and I have no clue how they got that way but I sure feel blessed that they are!

Now if only when I actually TRIED to teach them something they would do it! Like getting Little Lady to clean up her room!

Genetic Lottery.....or not

Long legs, major muscles, hair that turns heads, these are the things you WANT to get given to you through your genetic code. My kids, however, got the short end of the stick.

We went to the doctor again today...if we were American our doctor would be filthy rich, rolling in money by now. It seems we are there at least once a month. The whole office knows us by name...they even get out the special Dora stickers for Little Lady because they already know that's what she'll want. Lancelot is so used to going there he flirts shamelessly with both the receptionist AND the doctor. I say he should go for the doctor, I wouldn't mind that for a daughter in law. Of course....Lancelot flirts with EVERYONE female. I cannot take him to a restaurant or even the hospital without all the nurses gushing over him and then of course saying he can't be sick because LOOK HOW ADORABLE AND SMILEY HE IS! Right.

Anyhow, Little Lady has had a cough for three weeks straight that has not improved one iota and was starting to have me freaked out because OMG WHAT IF SHE HAS CANCER/PNEUMONIA/PULMONARY FAILURE SOMETHING OR OTHER TERRIBLE DISEASE....because yes I am that paranoid. So we traipsed off to the doctor AGAIN and sure enough it turns out that that little cold she had triggered asthma which she so luckily inherited from me. Sorry kiddo....you did not get mommy's long fingers or big brown eyes which have more than once been refered to as "Model eyes" or "Bedroom eyes" (hmm...maybe I DON'T want my daughter walking around with those eyes!)...you got her asthma. Lucky you. So every time she has a cold or allergies she's at risk for it triggering her asthma. The upside is that a) it seems to, like mine, only be triggered by colds or allergies which means she should at least not be on inhalers very regularly and b) Since I have pretty much had every inhaler/asthma medication in the book I at least understand how to operate all these weird inhaler contraptions.

Then just because I am that paranoid I asked the pediatrician if she could please check Lancelot's ears as well since he seems to be pulling on them lately and since every time he has a cold he seems to have had an ear infection and he's had a NASTY runny nose for over a week. Our pediatrician is the most amazing woman ever and even though she knows I am overly paranoid because of Lancelot's start in life she always obliges me and gives the kids a head to tow IS EVERYTHING WORKING RIGHT? ARE YOU SURE? REALLY SURE? I MEAN REALLY BECAUSE I AM SURE I HEARD HIM SNIFFLE ONCE LAST WEEK AND THIS COULD BE THE END OF THE WORLD examination just to calm my crazy nerves. So she turns to me and says, "Well it's a good thing you asked me to check because you were right. He's got an ear infection." Again. He just got off antibiotics for one two weeks ago. It turns out that this is Lancelot's lucky lottery win....his dad's ear canals. Prince Charming has strange shaped ear canals that he apparently passed on and until he had his tonsils out around grade 3 also had constant ear infections since his ears wouldn't drain properly. Of course...Lancelot also looks EXACTLY LIKE HIS DAD.... except with my dad's build and height (solid and tall). So he kinda did win the lottery there.

So we are on a new round of all sorts of interesting medications around here again. Hopefully this time things clear up quickly and for GOOD. Or at least for many MANY months and we can give our poor pediatrician a break. Then again, she IS Canadian...so she's probably poor anyway.

My heart is bubbling over with Joy Joy Joy

I know I am one of the luckiest woman alive. I have a good husband, a nice home, and two beautiful, healthy, kids. But I have a confession to make. There are days when I envy my single friends. My mind wanders to where I'd be if I hadn't gotten married at 19, if I hadn't had a kid at 21. Jealousy leaves my nerves jangled and my emotions a mess. What would it be like to have been able to pursue my own career, continue my education, experience my 20's the way the rest of the world does, take time to travel? What if instead of running a home so that my husband could have his dreams I was developing my own? Not that having a husband and kids hasn't been part of my dreams. It's just that I sometimes see everyone else my age pursuing their passions, going out whenever they want, working in exciting careers, and I want to be one of them.

But then, just before the blues really bring me down my kids shower me in brilliant sunlight. Lancelot brings his pudgy little hands together with a glee filled grin and claps with great gusto. "Joy Joy Joy" sings his sweet sister and he cheerily claps along with her song, a new trick he has just discovered. Little Lady smiles and after smothering us in kisses asks if I am ready for our mommy daughter date. She is so delighted about the prospects of our day it is the same question she has asked me from the moment she first woke up. See their joy? Watch how they want to be with me even when I am day dreaming of another life. I bask in their love. I am lucky. I am blessed.

My heart is bubbling over with Joy, Joy, Joy.

Gums and Gore

Oh Teeth. When once I wrote this letter I thought that I had seen the worst of your arrivals. As it turns out I was blissfully naive. Sure, I had seen the sickness you bestow on poor, sweet, innocent babies as you fight your way to the surface. Yes, I had experienced the tears and sleepless nights that often accompany teething. Oh, you had showed your brutal attack of my baby's appetite and left your mark on my breast. But I had not seen the real brutal side you sometimes show in the beginning. At least you saved that for my boy. He at least is a brave warrior. However I am faint of heart and quickly sick of stomach at the sight of the battlefield you have drawn on my sons tender gums. Do you really feel the need to create dangling strips of skin? Must I really watch those fleshy pieces flap around, pushed back and forth by your tricky partner the tongue? And the blood...oh the blood. Does there really need to be blood as you brutally break the surface? I see you there, skillfully slipping in and out of view, can you not just make your arrival final and declare victory?

Don't get me wrong. I still appreciate the help we acquire when making our forays into solid food. Carrots would be lousy without your help to make them crunch. I acknowledge that life without you would be a sloppy, drooling drag and that our smiles are extremely incomplete without your presence.

But really....must you gore my sons gums and turn their surfaces to swollen, bloody mountains? Must you REALLY wage a war?

Insomniacs want to sleep too

It is 4 a.m. and I am awake. Several years ago this would have been a regular occurance. For much of my life I have suffered from insomnia...staying awake hours after I should have been asleep, waking without the ability to fall back asleep. Despite the shortage of slumber I seldom felt irritated with my insomnia...it was simply an aspect of my life. For most of my life I have also dealt with undiagnosed health issues. Almost constant pain and frequent stomach "attacks"...recently these were diagnosed as Fibermyalgia. But then again I have been diagnosed in the past with Ulcerative Colitis, ovarian cysts, lack of B12, Irritable bowel syndrom, and probably several other things. Not all of these have been accurate and doctors seem to frequently change their mind so who knows if this diagnosis will stick. Anyway, the symptoms are exaccerbated by lack of sleep which means that the times I have suffered most from insomnia I have also been the sickest. The sicker I am the more I stay up. Downward spiral. All this is to say that in recent years I have actually slept slightly better and recieved (some) reprieve from my symptoms.

That is until about two months ago. It seems I have past down my insomniac genes. At this moment Lancelot is happily nursing away after almost two hours of laughing on my lap. I love this boy. I love his laugh. I love that even when we are awake at a time when most of the world is asleep he still has the biggest smile. And more than anything I love to snuggle. But I am slowly losing all capability to function. For two months this boy who slept through the night pretty much since birth has decided he likes to be awake both night AND day. He is being treated for an ear infection which may be part of the problem but I suspect that the end of the ear ache will not yet mean restful nights as this has being going on for some time. I slog through my days and my mind feels like sludge. All I want to do is sleep! I feel sorry for his sister who definitely get the short end of the stick as far as mommy's attention goes since it takes all my energy just to maintain life durring the day. I wish we could all just cuddle up under our covers and drift off to dream land for a solid 8 hour sleep....or maybe even 12....for a week straight.

Anyway, this little sweetheart has momentarily drifted off to dream of breast milk and teething toys and all the wonderful wierd things that make him laugh. So I am off for another attempt at shut eye. Sweet Dreams!

Merry Christmas, New Milestones, Magical Moments and Meeting Mickey,

I'll give you a heads up right here that this may be a bit of a long post so if you're in a hurry and just stopping by for a quick skim you may want to wander back over later when you have time to sit down and read.

First of all, a belated Merry Christmas to you and yours! I hope that you all were able to enjoy many of the kind of beautiful moments that create warm and wonderful memories! I don't tend to do "update" posts but since it's been awhile once again I thought I'd share a brief update of where we've been lately and what we've been up to.
Lancelot, Little Lady and myself all battled colds for most of the month of December with it finally tapering off just in time for Christmas and mostly gone for New Years. Lancelot has had it the hardest with the cold starting right in the beginning of the month and lasting right til the end. It also meant that for the last month this mommy has gotten precious little sleep. I find that difficult to deal with since my fibromyalgia really flares up when sleep is fleeting but there's not much a mom can do when her kids are calling or crying every hour. I'm hoping I can catch up soon with some good solid slumber. If not I am considering weaning Lancelot of night nursing so that I can squeeze in a little more sleep.
Christmas was a relatively quiet affair this year with the battle of colds and my brother being away leaving only me and my family available for the gathering with my parents. My dad also came down with potential food poisoning Christmas Day so rather than our tradition of spending time at my parents cabin for Christmas and doing a whole sleepover we just spent the day at their house. Despite all that it was a very good Christmas though. We celebrated Lancelot's first Christmas as a family on the 23rd with our usual traditions of one gift of pajamas the night before then stockings, waffle breakfast, the Christmas story and presents that morning. We spent the rest of the day playing with the kids, setting up their new toys (their big gifts were a sled and a wagon to share and Little Lady LOVED pulling her brother around) and just relaxing.
On the 24th we had a gathering at my mom's parents and it was really nice this year. Sometimes I find these gatherings quite loud, crowded, exhausting and overwhelming but this year was an exception.
On the 25th we had Christmas with my parents and by the 26th, although the kids colds were starting to subside, I was feeling even more miserable. We spent the day trying to doctor ourselves amidst packing and cleaning because the next day was when the party really started!

On the 27th we flew to Florida with my parents for ten days at my parents condo as a family. Despite a VERY long day (due to the heightened security measures after that attempted terrorist attack in the states) the kids did AMAZING! I was so impressed with how well they handled things like hours in security lines and getting to the condo super late. Little Lady even got patted down! It was actually pretty adorable. Because of the heightened security absolutely everybody was getting searched, even the babies (although all they really did to Lancelot was pat his bum and his tummy once), so Little Lady had to stand with arms and legs spread while the security guard frisked her. Just the thought of it makes me laugh! This little miniature sweetheart dressed head to toe in pink, pigtails, and sparkly accessories taking her job of standing still super seriously while she is searched by this big security guard! They even made her lift her feet to check the soles of her socks. It was actually quite adorable!

Here are a few highlights from the trip:
-Our first full day there we decided to spend just a couple hours in the evening scoping out the Magic Kingdom. It worked out perfectly. We arrived just in time for their parade where we got to see a bunch of Little Lady's favourite characters, then we went to see Cinderella's castle and Little Lady was absolutely in awe as we watched the sun set and turn the castle pretty shades of pink and purple! After we played at Pooh's house which was completely enchanting and returned to the castle just in time to see Cinderella, Mickey, and Minnie come out and then to use our imaginations to help light up the entire castle. It was incredibly magical, even for me! The look on Little Lady's face was priceless. To her it was all real. Cinderbella (the way she say it!) was really Cinderella and really lived there in that castle. It was pretty incredible to see.

-Our second day there we went to Epcot. The crowds were insane and it was cold so it wasn't really worth it....except for the joy of just spending the day together. We found this quiet spot in this little courtyard outside some hidden bathrooms and Little Lady had a blast running around with us and giving us concerts. It was pretty special.

-Our third day we went to Sea World. Again the crowds were nuts, so much so that they actually shut the park down for a couple hours, and it was cold so we only spent a very short time there. But we were SO glad we had. We saw the baby dolphin's and then had supper right beside the killer whale tank and had a private showing of the whales and saw them up close. Later we walked through the stingray and shark areas and then saw the big "Miracles" killer whale show. Little Lady fell completely head over heels in love. She couldn't get enough of them and insisted the one thing she wanted was to bring home a whale. So she sweet talked her daddy into buying her one as big as she is and she's been snuggling that thing ever since. I have to admit the "Miracles" show was so beautiful that I almost cried!

-On New Years Eve my brother, his girlfriend, and my parents decided to go to Busch Gardens which is a roller coaster park. We would have gone but since it is mostly stuff our kids couldn't do and it was about a two hour drive from where we were we decided to take the day off. Plus we decided the kids, especially Lancelot, could really use the day off. We had such a relaxing time. We went to Wall-Mart and bought a couple games we could play as a family then had a blast getting our buts kicked by Little Lady in "Uno Moo". After the kids were in bed Prince Charming and I watched a movie, made our New Years Resolutions, and then everyone else got home just in time to toast in the New Year together!

-New Years Day was cloudy, rainy, and freezing but we had dinner reservations at this up-scale African restaurant in the Animal Kingdom for my brothers girlfriends birthday and she really wanted to be in the Magic Kingdom for her birthday so we all went for a few hours anyway. It actually worked out really well. My parents took Lancelot into Pinnochio's Village restaurant so he could stay warm while we walked around with Little Lady. Since it was cold the lines were short and even though we were only there a couple hours we got to do a lot. Little Lady was ecstatic to meet both Mickey and Minnie, tour their houses, and then later to get to sit on her favourite colour (pink) seat at the Mad Hatter Tea Party ride, the Dumbo ride, AND the carousel. Dinner was pretty amazing as well...even for the kids. Little Lady's dessert was an entire mini fondue!

-We took both the second and third off from theme parks and just relaxed at the condo. On the second my parents took the kids for a few hours while we went to this incredible Frozen Yogurt place and out to a movie. On the third we did a little shopping and said goodbye to my brother and girlfriend who headed back early.

-On our final full day there we decided to do the Magic Kingdom again because Little Lady loved it SO much and there was a lot she still hadn't had the chance to do there. Again things worked out almost magically. When we arrived in the park Lancelot was hungry for lunch and Little Lady knew that the first place she wanted to go was this area where they did really elaborate face paint. She had seen it the last time we were there but we hadn't had time. So Prince Charming took Little Lady for her face paint and I took Lancelot to Pinnochio's village again. It was PACKED but just as I walked in this family left a corner table and I got this perfect booth table in a back corner that was quieter and a little more removed so I could easily feed Lancelot and even nurse him. After Little Lady got a beautiful pink sparkly swan painted on her face they also came for lunch and by the time we were done we just popped Lancelot in the stroller and he promptly fell asleep! He slept through the entire rest of the afternoon while we took Little Lady on "It's a Small World", the tea party ride, through toon town, and to see three of the princesses. That was one of my all time favourite moments. She is normally a bit shy but the second those princesses spoke to her she lit up brighter than the sun. She gave them huge hugs and looked like she was on top of the world. It was a pretty magical moment to watch as a mommy. Then just before we left the park for supper we saw Pook and Tigger at Pooh's house! Lancelot absolutely ADORED Pooh and couldn't stop kissing him and grinning. In fact, on the plane ride home a teenage girl was holding a stuffed Pooh and Lancelot almost jumped out of my arms for it. He thought Pooh was pretty great. Then we magically got reservations at the Grand Floridian resort for supper and had dinner with Cinderella, Prince Charming, and her stepmother and stepsisters. Little Lady loved it. She adores Cinderella and later said that "Cinderbella is going to be my favourite for QUITE awhile!". I was surprised how much she remembers from the Cinderella story and movie. She refused to speak to the stepmother and stepsisters for the longest time because they had been mean to Cinderella! On our walk to the van after supper she was glowing and talking about her evening when she said "When Jesus gave me to you I was VERY happy!" My heart just melted.

Anyway, we had a very magical vacation and now we are home and EXHAUSTED! But even so we feel very happy and blessed to have had that opportunity.

Now here is a quick update on Lancelot:
On December 3rd he got his first tooth, an eye tooth and it stuck around til December 27th. Since then it's been just hovering there under the surface. It's quite annoying because he is obviously bothered by it and nothing does more to than give him very temporary relief. I don't remember Little Lady's teeth ever coming out for that long and then going back in again.

He also started some new things in the last week. He has been sitting up on his own for a couple months and also started pulling himself up awhile ago and now he sometimes takes steps when we hold his hands! He also tried to crawl but he hasn't quite got the hang of that yet.

And this last week it sounds like he is starting to try some words! We think he may be trying to say "ha" for "hi", "Aaszi" for his sisters name (she also said it this way as a baby), "baba" for bottle, "muma"for mommy, and possibly "bobpa" for "pappa". It's always hard to tell if they really know what they are saying or if it's just fluke but he definitely does try to communicate things and he is definitely getting better at it!

Less Like Scars

I have been wanting to post more about our experience with Lancelot's birth and the journey we have been on since then but I haven't quite figured out how to begin. Besides that our life has been insane lately with a move and Prince Charming writing exams and two very busy kids. Lancelot is now six months old and the size of his sister at a year! He is so big I can't seem to keep him in clothes and we've already had to move him up a car seat size! It's awesome to see this from a kid who couldn't grow and we had to force feed. Lately things have been a bit rough for Lancelot since he has had a cold and has also been teething (he got his first tooth...an eye tooth!). He's been fussy, not sleeping well, and crying quite a bit. But it sure is a relief to know that he CAN cry now! Anyway, I was asked to share what I had been learning lately with my church and so I decided to post what I am saying there so that you could read it as well.

What I'm going to share today is not so much what I've learned as what I'm in the process of beginning to understand. There is too much to share in just a couple of minutes, plus I'm not sure I'd get through it if I tried, so rather than a whole speech I'm just going to mention a few points and then play a song that pretty much sums it all up. This year, as I've kind of shared before has been by far the most challenging of my life. Moving to a city when I'm a small town girl and not putting down roots since I knew it wasn't permanent so therefore feeling very trapped and lonely a lot of the time. Having my husband gone a lot when my love language is quality time and I had a pre-schooler and was pregnant and then had a newborn. The strain of university life on a young family when neither of us was working. The exhaustion of a stressful pregnancy and selfishly, feeling like I was 25 and my entire life was on hold just so that I could maintain my families life. These things were difficult....but none of them compared,even slightly, to the main event of this year and largest crisis of my life so far which was having our son. In a way it seems wrong to say that the most traumatic experience in your life was giving birth to a child. After all, millions of woman do it daily. But even after already having a child and knowing the excruciating pain and emotional upheaval that can be part of the process....I still wasn't prepared for our experience the second time around. As most of you know, our son's birth was quick and complicated. It felt like a freight train screamed through me and then in the aftermath there was this baby who wasn't breathing and I could hardly process the situation. I was terrified we were going to lose him before his life had even begun. That terror passed quickly in reality although it seemed like eternity in that instant. But the following few weeks were even worse. Like a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. At first there was the confusion of not knowing why he kept turning blue each time he cried. The faint hope that it was something insignificant that would soon pass mingled with the dread that we were dealing with more permanent damage. The ride to a bigger hospital in an ambulance was the worst drive of my life. I remember thinking about how I had sometimes wondered what riding in an ambulance felt like and how I wished I had never wanted to know. It felt surreal to look outside and see sunshine but inside that ambulance my life felt like it was in shatters. Then there were the days of tests, night after night of not getting much needed sleep because every second I wasn't by his side I was wondering if at that moment something was making him cry and if we were going to get a call with the worst possible news. I felt torn because I didn't feel I could leave his side but I missed my daughter so much and just wanted to be home with her. I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone because the pain was just to intense and I felt that nobody could possibly understand. And for the most part not many people could. I didn't blame them, I knew that I wouldn’t have understood before it happened to me and I knew they meant well...but I couldn't bear to
talk to people in person. To hear them say things, however well intentioned...that just proved they had no idea what I was going through. I wondered if this was how I'd always feel...isolated by the pain of either losing a child or living with a child with severe medical issues. The fear and pain were so intense that I felt like my body was just functioning on auto pilot while my mind and heart were at war. I knew God was with me, I saw people’s prayers being answered, but I couldn’t FEEL it. All I could feel was some mixture of numbness and terror. There was one time in particular when he was having tests done and he was crying so hard and nobody could calm him and it didn’t seem like the oxygen was working...there was so much panic and I got sent out of the room and I broke down in the hallway and I thought this is it. It’s over. Some nurses walked by and asked if I was ok and I couldn’t even answer. How do you answer? And where is God when you are facing the absolute bleakest moment? That night I thought of the footprints poem... “when you see only one set of footprints...it is then that I carried you.” I may not have felt completely hopeful and peaceful in that exact moment but it was God who gave me the strength to not completely lose my mind when I felt like I was losing everything else. Maybe he didn’t fix it all...although in the end our son HAS experienced healing and we give God so much glory for that....but we walked through some HORRIBLE times and experienced things I would not wish on ANY parent. The key thing though is that God did and is walking with us. And I think walk is the key word...it’s a journey. I thought that if our son was somehow cured I’d feel better. That my paranoia about his health, my anxiety about being out in public, being around people who coughed or sneezed, my fears, obsessions, and panic and the constant state of stress would stop. But they didn’t. It is only now in the last few weeks that things are SLOWLY starting to ease up. I started seeing a Christian counsellor who has told me that I am experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Dissorder due to the experience. She is helping me to work through a lot of the trauma and in the process to discover a lot about myself and how I deal with things. For example...my entire life I believed I was an extrovert and just recently realized I am very much an introvert. It sounds silly to only realize something like that about yourself at 25...even my husband told me “How could you not know?” but I guess I was raised to be extroverted and always just believed I was...never realizing that the heart of me did not react that way at all. Just learning things like that about myself and being okay with them...learning how I need to respond to stuff...being okay with the way I need to respond to stuff....helps. What I am understanding from this journey is that sometimes life REALLY hurts...and even then God is there. Maybe not in this way that makes everything feel better right then...but to give an ounce of strength to take the next step and eventually ...when you’re ready, to make something out of that pain. To sum up where I’m at lately I often think of the Chorus to the Sara Groves song..Less like Scars. “And I feel you here and you’re picking up the pieces, forever faithful. It seemed out of my hands a bad situation. But you are able. And in your hands the pain and hurt seem less like scars...and more like Character.”
I’m going to play that song now for you.

It's been a hard year , But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard , Healing changes are subtle But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here , And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here , And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here , And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars (x3)

And more like Character

A Little Lad and a Little Lady Grow Up

I have been meaning to post for more than a month already but life has held an abundance of "busy" in recent weeks. Since my last post my Little Lady turned three and my baby boy is now a bouncing four and a half months. I thought it was time to give a bit of an update on their growth if for no other reason than that if I don't write it hear I will probably forget these times the way I forget so much already and as I watch my baby's grow from little bundles to tiny people...I want so badly to remember every precious moment.

First my Little Lad:
At his four months appointment we were blown away by this boy. You would never know that he was a baby who we could hardly get to eat and wouldn't grow. He was completely off the charts for height, measuring about the height of our average ten month old! His weight was also above average, although still lean for his height, at just under 17 pounds. The doctor said that she would let us keep him in his infant carrier til his six month appointment, even though he is technically to tall, but that by his next appointment he would need to go into a bigger car seat and she suspects that by nine months he will need to be forward facing because he is so tall it would actually be less safe for him to be rear facing even though he won't be a year! He is wearing nine month sleepers and 6-12 month clothing and my best friend calls him her "squishy" because he is SUPER cuddly and has the chubbiest little cheeks! He is a smiler. With Little Lady we had to coax every smile out but with him he just sits around grinning half the time and it only takes a tiny bit of attention to get him all out giggling. He thinks his sister is especially hilarious. She could just be sitting there eating her lunch and he'll be practically rolling with laughter watching her. Speaking of rolling he rolls from tummy to back and ALMOST from back to tumm and can turn himself in circles when lying on his back by doing this strange rocking/rolling thing. He can sit up on his own for over a minute once we've got him stable enough but as soon as he gets excited...which happens often...he tips himself over. He also started cereal this last week. The doctor had told me to start him at his last appointment already because he is so big and was already showing all signs of readiness...but I couldn't bring myself to do it until after this Thanksgiving weekend when I saw how upset and frustrated he was whenever we ate and how he was grabbing at our plates and cups for food! He is enjoying the cereal quite a bit. As for his health, as you can tell he is doing much better, but he is still rattly much of the time. I find that frustrating but I calm myself with the fact that the doctor seems to believe that this is just his normal and he will outgrow it and that it's not of concern. The truth is that it doesn't seem to affect him...but it makes me a very nervous mommy anyway. Lately it has seemed a little worse but I think it may be because he is teething. He has an ABUNDANCE of drool which is actually more like a water fountain springing forth from his mouth and he is constantly soaked. I think the extra saliva is making him more rumbly because it just sits there since he hasn't figured out how to swallow it down or clear his throat properly yet. Hopefully it doesn't last much longer so my nerves stop being so frayed!

Little Lady:
She is a handful and a half lately. I have to say that although she is becoming a beautiful little girl and is so grown up sometimes...I really do miss my toddler. Oh the whining, the whys, and the temper of a three year old! Sometimes I just want to scream right along with her. At the same time she is turning into such a sweetheart. She can be the biggest help with her brother. Getting him toys, reading him books, bringing me things, throwing out diapers. She helps me clean and cook and do pretty much anything. She is always the first to notice when her brother wears a new outfit or I've had my hair cut or have painted my nails and she is always complimentary. She can also be very sweet and considerate. Recently when I was home alone with the kids early in the morning I started falling asleep nursing. I must have drifted off because suddenly I opened my eyes and there she was beside me on the couch quietly reading her books. When she noticed me looking at her she said, "It's ok. Go back to sleep mommy." She is incredibly creative and loves her crafts, reading, and colouring. She also loves to play all sorts of imaginary games and could spend hours outside inventing things for herself. Sometimes she is a little too inventive. Yesterday I was nursing her brother when she decided she wanted to paint. I asked her to wait and she made no complaint. However, when I checked on her several minutes later she had taken out all her paint supplies, found an ice cube tray, pulled a chair up to the sink, filled the tray with water, and began her painting project. Also I am incredibly worried she is going to cut off her hair. She loves to play "spa" and will do pretend waxes, massages, and hair do's on me or her dolls. I have told her multiple times that she can't really cut hair but she has an obsession with scissors and it seems no matter where I hide them she finds them. So far she hasn't caused any huge disasters but I'm definitely afraid that one day I might not catch her in time.....
The days of getting up in the night for bathroom breaks or night mares have sadly begun. Her latest fear is funnily...tractors! I am so not a farm girl so I find it a little amusing that my daughter has an actual FEAR of tractors and I really do feel for her. But although I have a dislike for most farm animals and machinery I have no idea where she got an actual FEAR from! The other night she woke up from a nightmare and was terrified that tractors were going to get into the house. It took us forever to convince her that we live nowhere near a farm and even if we did tractors don't just randomly drive through walls...and also that they cannot open doors. She talked about it all day and had a really hard time falling asleep even after we reassured her that there were no tractors near by and that we had securely locked all doors. She even put it in her prayers "Jesus please keep the tractors locked in the barn with the cows."
I wish I could remember or write down all the things she comes up with but I would have to be writing a couple times a day. Another thing recently though was last Sunday at church when she saw one of the new baby's who is about her brother's age.
"Mommy is that baby's name Jaren?" She asked.
"Yes that's right!" I said
"Why is that his name?" All conversations now involve at LEAST one why question.
"Because that's what his mommy and daddy wanted to name him. What did your mommy and daddy name you?"
"They decided to name me SWEETHEART!"
And she hasn't forgotten yet that she wants to marry an athlete. Recently she was asking me when she could go wedding dress shopping and we were having a whole discussion on marriage when I told her that before she got married she would have to find her prince charming. To which she replied that she had already FOUND her prince charming. He was on her cereal box. The skater...remember mommy?

Well that's a little look into the lives of a Little Lad and a Little Lady who are far to quickly becoming not so little!

Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow

Although traditionally a song used as a prayer at church pot-lucks...and to be perfectly honest...one I don't particularly like as a prayer...this song has been running through my head all day. Perhaps because I can't think of a proper way to sum up all the praise that is pouring out of me, there is really no poetry or adage adequate enough, besides this very basic line...."Praise God from whom all blessings flow."
Today I feel as if the weight of the entire world simply rolled right off my back. I feel buoyant like a helium balloon. In fact, I believe if it was humanly possible...I might just float away.
We walked into the surgeon's office this morning trying not to think to hard about the procedure, the process or the possible outcomes. Although I was trying desperately to detach my mind from the moment and de-tangle the knots of worry wormed around my stomach...I was still incredibly anxious. It didn't help that all around the office...and coming from the exam room...were screaming children. I even saw one little boy come tearing out of an exam room in a torrent of tears before his mom scooped him up and dragged her screaming son back in for the scope. We had been through this procedure before...watched the way he turned blue and held him still while they shoved the scope through his throat. Even though I knew that we had no guarantees of good news and that nerve injuries like this can take up to a year to heal...if at all...I ached to hear the words that would set us free.
Today not only did I hear those words...I was able to see it for myself! The surgeon scoped Lancelot's little throat and on a large screen we saw two perfectly pink, fully functioning, vocal cords that did not restrict his airway at all. Not even when he screamed....which he did since he certainly did not enjoy the scope. The surgeon sounded surprised and incredibly pleased when he turned to us and said, "I see two cords that are both working well. You're done with me!" I could have bounced right through the building! I felt like cheering...and I actually did a little. To think that only seven weeks ago we wondered whether he was even going to be able to breath on his own....he is now just like any other baby boy! This can only be due to the power of an amazing God who deserves all our praise!
Seven weeks has felt like an eternity to us and yet now he has his whole life ahead of him to be as rambunctious and boisterous as any other little boy. We do still have a pediatrician appointment next week to confirm that it is definitely okay for us to treat him "normally" now and do things such as travelling, allowing others to hold him, etc. But we don't expect to hear otherwise since there shouldn't be any reason for these restrictions now.

Thank you to all of you who have prayed for us during an incredibly difficult time. We serve one incredible God who answers prayer! A little baby who turned blue from the hiccups and couldn't even let out a tiny cry without sounding strangled, a baby who's whole body seemed to collapse when he breathed, a baby who had nerve damage and a paralyzed vocal cord restricting his voice and his airways is now a healthy boy who can make baby sounds and scream like the best of them! This is all due to a powerful God who saves and to the prayers of many, many people. And he's only seven weeks! What exciting things does God have in store for this little miracle man? I am so excited that we will get an opportunity to experience it!

Rain Rain Go Away

I can't seem to stop thinking about the storm we have been facing. Maybe it's the fact that the last three days have been nothing but damp, dark and dreary but I just can't stop the fear from practically suffocating me. Even as I go about my day acting as if everything is fine...hidden back in my brain is the fear of our upcoming scope and all the weight the evaluation will carry. I feel like you do on those days when the heat and humidity make you unable to do anything but sweat and feel as if you are suffocating. It doesn't help that in the past few days Lancelot has been a nosier baby again with a lot of "musical" breathing, "Darth Vader" sounds, and a new one that sounds like a squeak toy. Prince Charming passes these off with a shrug and says, "Maybe he'll have a great movie career!". If only I found it so easy to be so cavalier about my son's vocal cords.
I hate the paranoia. As a child I had a phobia of the wind and would do almost anything to avoid being out in it. Just a slight breeze had me planning and back-up-planning every worst case scenario. What if a tornado would hit? Where would I go? What would I do? I feel like that now. Someone coughs near by my baby and I instantly feel my entire body tense. I want to scream at parents of other kids who come near. I want to wrap us all in bubble wrap or lock us up in a storm shelter. However, at the same time...I also want so badly to be back to normal. I am constantly battling that inner tug-of-war wondering where to draw the line.
The scope is on Monday. On Monday we will know whether we continue in this dreary weather...this wondering...this worry...this waiting. Or maybe we get good news. I think that would feel like a get-out-of-jail-free card. With how musical my little man has been I find it hard to believe we'll get the news we want. But I also know that God does miracles and I need to believe the best for my little boy.
Please continue to pray with us for complete healing of the vocal cords and that 1) the scope will go smoothly on Monday and 2)The cords will be fully functioning allowing us to walk out of that doctors office and never go back!
Thank you for your prayers and support!

A little ray of sunshine

Every day I try to see the sun but sometimes even when the days are completely cloudless I find myself feeling as if everything is just dark and dismal shades of gray. I know I am battling some post baby blues and maybe even a bit of post partum so I try not to let the feeling affect me to much, but sometimes it's still so hard. I still worry so much about my son and his health and even though I try to let some stuff go I find it so difficult. Sometimes I struggle with the exhaustion, sometimes with the stress. I go through every emotion in the book. From peace and hope to worry and anxiety. From contentment to resentment. It's hard to struggle with health issues for your child while the rest of the world carries on. Most of all though what I struggle with now is something I would compare to what I hear about post traumatic stress disorder. I get flash backs to the hospital where I get nervous and uptight. Certain smells or sights make my chest feel tight. It reminds me of when I was a teenager and was in a car accident and how I felt driving on gravel or curved roads for months afterwards.
But there is some sunshine in our lives. At Lancelots last pediatrician appointment this past week we were told we can now wait to go back and see her til his 2 month appointment rather than have weekly check ups! Although he didn't gain nearly as much as he had been gaining on the enriched food and forced feeds he still gained and she decided that it was enough to allow him to continue the way he is for now without weekly checks. She also felt he was doing quite well and that we could bring him out more now. We do still have to be very careful and not be around anyone with a virus or allow a lot of people to hold or touch him. But at least we can go out a bit more now. We are also finding that he can cry harder and longer all the time without turning blue. It's still nerve wracking to watch but it's a huge improvement!
On July 20th we have Lancelots next surgeon appointment where they will do a scope to check if the vocal cord function has returned. Please continue to pray for this appointment and that his vocal cord will be fully functioning. We so badly want to be able to put this completely behind us. If we get good news at this appointment we may still be able to visit Prince Charmings parents later this summer yet. They still have not seen him and if we don't get the go ahead to fly it will be a long time before they can because they can not travel either due to also having health issues. We continue to pray for complete healing.
We are also seeking some other altneratives to help Lancelot. We saw a massage therapist this week who showed us how to do some infant massage on him that will hopefully help relax his muscles and heal his nerves.
At the end of the day...despite our exhaustion....we do have a beautiful baby boy who gives great smiles and who otherwise is sweet and strong. That's a lot of sunshine in itself.

God of my Hope

I entitled this post "God of my Hope" for two reasons. One is that God has given us so many moments of hope in the past few weeks and two is that, despite these incredible blessings, it is sometimes SO hard dealing with a not completely healthy baby that I am at the absolute end of my rope more often than not and just needed that phrase to hold on to.
I realize it's been awhile since I last wrote and I wanted to get an update out again but generally the only time I have to sit at the computer is when my hands are busy with a baby, making it a little unmanageable to type. However both kids are currently asleep and even though one is in my arms I think I can still manage typing with two fingers!
Tonight and a lot of yesterday as well as most of the evenings in the past week or so have been incredibly stressful. Sometimes even when we have great days I am a wreck by bedtime because of the stress of our evenings. Taking care of supper and two kids bed and bathtimes can be tricky enough but when you have a toddler who is exhausted and lonely by bedtime and a baby who is colicky but isn't supposed to cry....well you can imagine the ensuing drama.
Here is some of the high points that I try to focus on to stay positive:
-Lancelot had another appointment today and the doctor was very impressed with his progress. He is now 9 pounds 8 ounces (up from 8 pounds 13 ounces (birth weight) a week ago) and 23 1/4 inches long (up half an inch from last week and 2 inches from birth). She also feels his breathing has gotten quite a bit better and that he is looking much healthier. In fact she said that she feels quite confident that his vocal cord function will return...when she doesn't know...but she feels that it will and this will not be a lifelong problem. She even gave us some hope that by the end of the summer we MIGHT be able to travel and be a "normal" family already. For now we are not quite there but it was good to hear the hope that someday we should be there. Also, the doctor has requested that this next week we demand feed him like a normal baby rather than force feed him or enrich his calorie intake. She wants to see how he handles it. If he can do well this week without any feeding help she feels we will be able to stop weekly doctors appointments and see her only at the regular check up times or for other issues as they arise (which hopefully they dont)!
-We have been able to take Lancelot out on some errands recently which has been a relief. We even got him to sleep in his stroller while we took Little Lady to Tinkertown this past weekend! We had to do a lot of hand sanitizing and kept him covered in his car seat the whole time but we were able to get out and experience a taste of normal life with a toddler again. It was healing for all of us.
-Slowly we are able to handle short periods with only one parent and two kids as we learn to balance and better anticipate Lancelots needs. It's one step closer to being back to a normal life.
-Lancelot has done a lot more crying and although this is not good we have noticed that he is not turning as blue as easily and his cry is also getting a lot stronger...both great signs!

Here are some of our current concerns and prayer items:
-That Lancelot will handle this next week exceptionally well so that we will be able to stop worrying about his weight gain and will no longer need weekly appointments. Today was a bad start to the week as he didn't eat well and had a terrible stomach ache or something this evening that had him screaming and therefore not eating.
-That Lancelot's colic or whatever it is would calm down. Of course we realize baby's cry but a baby who isn't really supposed to cry and who wears himself out and won't eat is extremely stressful.
-Little Lady has been having some potty problems which we are thinking we need to check with the pediatrician about. Hopefully they are nothing and just related to a mixed up schedule that she will soon adjust to but it is a little worrisome.
-That we will be able to handle more one parent and two kid scenarios so that Prince Charming can return to work during his time off school this summer. If he can't we will likely have to quit school early for him to return to work because this whole sick baby thing has completely blown our budget.
-That the thrush that Lancelot has once again will quickly disappear as will his reflux.
-That none of us will catch any bugs anywhere and bring them home. We still have to be careful, although we have been given a little more leeway. On that note....my health is a bit of an issue as I have been having a lot of headaches and have recently almost passed out on a couple occasions. It's likely this is just from stress and lack of sleep but still.
-That Lancelots vocal cord will return to full function. We asked our pediatrician today when we could possibly take a trip to visit family in another province and she felt she couldn't give the go ahead for us to fly anywhere until Lancelot has zero episodes of turning blue and is completely healthy. This is frustrating since we don't know when that will be and sometimes I worry we won't ever get to that point. But the pediatrician feels confident we will...it's just a matter of patience while we wait for the "when".

Please continue to pray for our family. We feel your prayers and greatly appreciate them. We praise God for how far he has brought our family in the past few weeks and continue to pray as we hold on to him and his promises of hope for our future.