Every day I try to see the sun but sometimes even when the days are completely cloudless I find myself feeling as if everything is just dark and dismal shades of gray. I know I am battling some post baby blues and maybe even a bit of post partum so I try not to let the feeling affect me to much, but sometimes it's still so hard. I still worry so much about my son and his health and even though I try to let some stuff go I find it so difficult. Sometimes I struggle with the exhaustion, sometimes with the stress. I go through every emotion in the book. From peace and hope to worry and anxiety. From contentment to resentment. It's hard to struggle with health issues for your child while the rest of the world carries on. Most of all though what I struggle with now is something I would compare to what I hear about post traumatic stress disorder. I get flash backs to the hospital where I get nervous and uptight. Certain smells or sights make my chest feel tight. It reminds me of when I was a teenager and was in a car accident and how I felt driving on gravel or curved roads for months afterwards.
But there is some sunshine in our lives. At Lancelots last pediatrician appointment this past week we were told we can now wait to go back and see her til his 2 month appointment rather than have weekly check ups! Although he didn't gain nearly as much as he had been gaining on the enriched food and forced feeds he still gained and she decided that it was enough to allow him to continue the way he is for now without weekly checks. She also felt he was doing quite well and that we could bring him out more now. We do still have to be very careful and not be around anyone with a virus or allow a lot of people to hold or touch him. But at least we can go out a bit more now. We are also finding that he can cry harder and longer all the time without turning blue. It's still nerve wracking to watch but it's a huge improvement!
On July 20th we have Lancelots next surgeon appointment where they will do a scope to check if the vocal cord function has returned. Please continue to pray for this appointment and that his vocal cord will be fully functioning. We so badly want to be able to put this completely behind us. If we get good news at this appointment we may still be able to visit Prince Charmings parents later this summer yet. They still have not seen him and if we don't get the go ahead to fly it will be a long time before they can because they can not travel either due to also having health issues. We continue to pray for complete healing.
We are also seeking some other altneratives to help Lancelot. We saw a massage therapist this week who showed us how to do some infant massage on him that will hopefully help relax his muscles and heal his nerves.
At the end of the day...despite our exhaustion....we do have a beautiful baby boy who gives great smiles and who otherwise is sweet and strong. That's a lot of sunshine in itself.