This evening after spending time in personal reflection, devotions, and trying to find ways to focus on the positive...even if those positives occurred in the past...I feel a little bit better. There have been no simple solutions to any of my current stresses and I'm not exactly expecting them. But tonight I feel like I'm at least seeing sun somewhere.
In devotions tonight I was for some reason reminded of the movie "Evan Almighty". What did he pray for again? Patience? Anyway God asks him "How do you think you get to be patient? By being in situations that test your patience." And I realized something, yes, these last few months have been really hard and no, I'm not expecting the next several months will be all that much better....but I AM learning patience, hope and humility in a way I certainly wouldn't have had my family continued to be comfortable where we were, living the status quo. I have spent a lot more time in prayer and just simply spending time with God than I have in quite a long time. It hasn't erased everything that has been happening....but it has given me glimpses of hope and a better understanding of a lot of issues.
Then tonight I was reading a book by Brennan Manning. The chapter I happened to be on was entitled "Celebrate the Darkness". Basically the chapter was on exactly the same theory as "Evan Almighty". Here is a small excerpt, "What is humility? It is the stark realization and acceptance of the fact that I am totally dependent upon God's love and mercy. Humility is not caught by repeating pious phrases; it is accomplished by the hand of God. It is Job on the dunghill all over again as God reminds us that HE is our only true hope."
I'm not saying this has suddenly given me all the answers. I am still struggling and I suspect I will for some time. I also think I probably will talk to my doctor or maybe someone else about setting up some more support before this baby arrives. But I realize that life is not a destination, but a journey. Sometimes you are standing in the sun, sometimes you are sloshing through the slums. It's not punishment and it's not perfect but it's life. And maybe I'm even learning a little along the way.