Thursday, March 5, 2009

Confessional

The only way I can imagine blogging this week is to come right out with a confessional. I am not currently on the mark for mother of the year. I am battling baby blues before the baby has even made it's entrance. And I know there are far worse situations than mine but I cannot currently muster the strength to do much of anything else but sulk.

I want to talk to someone but feel sick of speaking with anyone. I feel trapped in my house but haven't got the slightest motivation to get up off my butt and move from it. Somedays all I do is some basic tidying, a few hours on the computer while Little Lady naps beside me on the bed, and sit on the floor and pretend to play with my daughter. I don't even cook very nutritional meals. We have basically eaten leftovers and hodge podge meals every night this week.

This has been pushing itself forward for the last few months but seems to be spilling over the edges of my emotions a little more everyday. I'm not sleeping well with this baby bump. I'm tired of being alone almost all the time and hardly ever seeing my husband. My heart breaks almost daily for my Little Lady who misses her daddy. While her snuggly mood stemming from insecurity is heartbreaking and sweet I am also sick of her hyper, craziness being all I encounter day in and day out...with a few extra tantrums thrown in. Sometimes it feels like all I do is snap at her. I feel guilty for this. I worry about how I will mother another one. I am afraid I won't have enough time for two when I am only one parent at home most of the time. I am afraid of the post-partum that I battled when I had my first baby and worried that it will be back. Finances are a huge fear. And I am beginning to worry about the fact that this baby is only about another 8 to ten weeks away and I have absolutely nothing prepared and unless we can sell a few items or get a big tax return...nothing will be. I feel bad about the meals I am making but don't have the motivation to grocery shop because it feels like a monumental effort when I do only to see "Insufficient funds" flash before me over a few measly no-name groceries. I hate where I live and I hate this life. I want to go back to my own house with a husband who was actually home and a paycheck that actually covered all our expenses...and a lot of extras. I feel guilty for feeling this way because I so badly want my husband to have the opportunity to follow his dreams.

This is my confessional. Maybe the mental cleansing will bring clearer sky's tomorrow.

4 comments:

jodifur said...

I think you should talk to someone. Besides PPD, there can be pregnancy depression as well.

LeRoy and Faith said...

Carissa, I'll be praying for you. It is doable with 2 kids, yes it is harder, I seem to snap sooner, but so much fun. I hope you can have clearer skies soon.

Evan and Mel said...

I am so sorry Carissa,
I am with you right now, everything is frustrating and doesn't seem to make any sense.
I really hope things start to look up for you.
I also totally understand how frustrating it is to move away from your home and friends to struggle with money and nothing seems worth it.
Thinking and praying for you.

Stephanie said...

Oh, Carissa. So sorry to hear about this time of "showers." But the sun will come out again eventually...