Monday, December 29, 2008

"God is our hope and strength" -Psalm 46

"God of My Hope....
Giver of Dreams,
Seek out my soul, have mercy on me.
Maker of light
Star in the East
Open my eyes, that I may see.

God of creation, earth sky and water
Author of life, endless time.
Song of my heart
All that is wise
Hope in the Night
Sun that will rise

God of my Hope
Calmer of Seas
Quiet the storm
Raging in me
King of the stars
Lord over all
Into your love...freely I fall

God of creation, earth, sky and water
Author of life, endless time
Song of my heart
All that is wise
Hope in the night
Sun that will rise

God is my hope and strength
God is my hope and strength"

It's late and I am exhausted but I wanted to write once more before tomorrow. My emotions have been a roller coaster this week. When we first received the call from my Doctor a week ago I was in shock, after awhile I felt angry. It seemed so unfair. Why now? Why can't I have a normal healthy pregnancy? Why me? Why at Christmas? Looking back now I am actually grateful that this has all been happening in the most hopeful season of the year. I have always loved Christmas and always believed in the hope, peace, and joy of the season. I also believe in Christmas miracles. Because of it being Christmas we were also able to be together as a family without having to run in separate direction while we digest and wait for more news. We have been able to focus on the true meaning of this season this year. We have been able to spend quiet time together at my parents cabin praying and relaxing and focusing on hope. We have been able to have happy distractions from our worry. It's hard to struggle at Christmas...but in away I really am glad that this was the time that this came.

In the last week I have felt the prayers of many people and have been touched in so many ways. Music has continually spoken to me. The above song my Michelle Tumes is especially inspirational right now. I have felt from the very beginning that this baby somehow represented hope to me and in the last week I have felt that even more strongly. This song has really hit me. Songs by other artists have also become calming, helped work through emotions, and been healing tools in the last week. Especially songs like Jill Phillips, "I Am", The Fray "You found me", and Jars of Clay "The Valley Song". I have worked through so many different emotions and wondered about so many things. I have noticed the way different people react to news like this and felt different things about all of it. Mostly I have really felt God with us. It doesn't mean it isn't hard, it doesn't mean I haven't cried and worried, but I know he is here and I know he brings hope. Last night I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" and the baby started moving like crazy. It was as if God was reminding IS a wonderful life...this little one in me is hope, it is wonderful, and regardless of what we face in the fetal assessment that doesn't change.

Tomorrow (Tuesday) at 1:30 we meet with a counsellor at the hospital before the fetal assessment. At 2 we will go into what is supposed to be about an hour long assessment and hopefully after that we will come out knowing a lot more. We are still praying very hard for a false positive or a miracle. My doctor told me that out of the thousands of woman she has cared for during pregnancy and the apparently many who have had positives, only 2 have actually been accurate positives. I also have an aunt who was told it was positive and ended up with a healthy baby and an uncle who actually apparently HAS spina bifida but has no effects whatsoever. We are praying that one of these things will be true in our situation. Hopefully the false positive.

Whatever happens we appreciate all your prayers and support and we truly believe that God IS a God of HOPE. Thank you for standing beside us.


Chelsa said...

i'll be praying for you today.

LeRoy & Faith said...

We'll be praying for you today. That you will have peace, and continued hope. And answers too.

jodifur said...

any news? My thoughts are with you.