I don't know how else to express myself except for wanting to cry and scream. Tonight Prince Charming tried to tell me, "Tomorrow is another day." But I didn't find that encouraging at all. I just wanted to cry "When will tomorrow be a good day?"
When will we have a day with just good news? When will my daughter feel secure again? When will my son be healthy? When will I be able to be a mom of two kids without needing extra people around to help? When will we be able to go out in public without paranoia? When will feeding bring the sweet cuddly feelings and not fear and constant counting of ounces?
Today was another difficult day as we had to take our Lancelot to several appointments which stressed us all out and brought more discouraging news. But first, so that I don't completely drag myself down...here are a few positives:
-Lancelot was up 3 ounces from yesterday. Fingers crossed for another three by tomorrow. Of course it's not likely he actually gained three ounces in one day, more likely the scales are slightly different. BUT, he did gain and at that rate we could be back up to birth weight by the end of the week. Praying for a miracle.
-Little Lady was a stellar big sister during the whole time at the doctor.
-My aunt cooked us supper
-My mom is here to help tonight
And now the rest:
-Lancelot is still very rattly when he breathes, especially after feeding. They took x-rays again today (another concern...I HATE all the procedures, medications, etc. he is and has already been on and through at this age!) and said the lungs were still hazy. We are on another medication now (which upsets his tummy...*sigh*) for two days that is supposed to reduce swelling and will HOPEFULLY take away the rattling. If it doesn't...we will very likely end up back in the hospital. I am in complete agony over this because I do NOT want to go back there. I think it would make us all fall apart. Little Lady especially is already struggling so much. We really need some positive progress around here.
-Lancelot is not supposed to breast feed anymore because apparently he can't handle the exertion. Which means I am supposed to pump all his feeding because he really needs breast milk and not formula because he isn't supposed to catch anything contagious.....And pumping doesn't work well for me plus takes up more time which I already don't have.
-Every doctor and nurse tells us something slightly different. It feels like a hurricane in my head.
-Little Lady cries a lot because we are so busy with the baby and his high needs.
-Please...if you think of us...if anyone you know thinks of us...please pray for Lancelot's vocal cords to heal so he isn't striderous, for his lungs to heal so he doesn't rattle, for his body to heal so is strong and healthy and that this happens before the weekend so we don't have to be back in the hospital!!
-Please pray that Lancelot gains a lot of weight so that not only is he stronger and healthier but he is able to breastfeed again. Until that happens pray that I can pump so he still gets the immunity.
-Please pray that Lancelot, and the rest of us, do not catch any colds or viruses.
-Please pray for my Little Lady to feel secure
-Pray for Prince Charming's schoolwork. He has missed a lot of classes and has exams starting soon. He has to be in class tomorrow but if things don't improve he'll have to miss again and there has to be two parents here at all times since Lancelot needs pretty much constant care.
-Pray for our finances. Did you know that the ONLY place you can buy the special medical soothers they get your baby attached to in NICU is from Hawaii?? I should seriously start a business.