This is my 99th post. It feels fitting in a way. I always though that once you had reached your hundredth post you were kind of a "grown up" blog. It made a blog seem established, as if 100 was somehow a turning point. It feels fitting therefore that as this blog has been mostly about my experiences in motherhood...I am also reaching a major milestone in my life as mother.
Yesterday marked our first official 24 hours without nursing. I have done it a few other times but this time was different. It was purposeful and poignant. The beginning of the end of an era. I the anti breastfeeder found myself almost in mourning. I desperately wanted to take back my decision. My beautiful baby is growing up and I find myself wanting to grab onto these precious pieces of her babyhood and hold on with an iron grip. There have been other "lasts" but this one loomed over me for almost a month. Taunting me as time slid away. Nothing else has marked her growth to me more than this. Suddenly all I see is her in a plaid jumper just about to start school, her in a too small tank top screaming at me as a teenager, a blue eyed beauty about to embark on her college education, a blushing bride about to walk down the aisle. They flash before my eyes like an unstoppable slide show. It feels almost like drowning. I will never again get my baby back. She is grown and going on.
The hardest part was her heart breaking communication with me as I rocked her to sleep last night. She is very expressive and her eyes speak volumes.
"Mommy?" Those big blue eyes seemed to say. "Mommy why aren't you nursing me?"
"I'm sorry baby. Mommy has to switch medications and so you can't nurse anymore. But your a big girl and it's ok. Mommy will still hold you while you go to sleep. It's okay sweetheart."
Her lower lip juts out and her pretty eyes turn into liquid pools. "But...mommy...." She begins frantically searching my shirt as we sit cuddled together on the couch.
"They're still there baby. You just can't nurse tonight. Mommy loves you though."
Her hands find my breasts beneath my shirt and she gently holds them. She looks up at me with questioning eyes "Is this okay mommy?"
"Yes baby. Mommy's here"
She settles into my arms and falls asleep.
Who knew the non breastfeeder would mourn this moment? Tomorrow I will once again cherish the cherub she has become and all her wild one year old ways....but today...today I say goodbye to my baby.
Mommy will always hold you in her heart honey. You have left the breast..but you will always be my baby.