Now I lay me

Little Lady's prayer tonight after accidentally seeing one of her birthday presents...

"Dear Jesus, please, please, PLEEEAASSE tell me when it's my birthday and our camping trip so I can get those books. (Long Pause). There's not really anything else to say. "
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Making the moment

Lately I've been thinking about how we often have a lot of dreams, ideas, and good intentions but how they don't always manage to materialize. For example, you might visualize your relationship with someone to be a certain way but without putting in the effort to achieve that it's not just magically going to happen. I might imagine that Prince Charming and I, ten years down the line, are going to travel together and laugh and be the couple that never runs out of conversation. But in order to actually get that image in my mind to be a reality I have to put in the work now. If I visualize myself as being really close with a friend that won't be reality unless I am putting in the time and the effort to be there, make the phone call, etc. There have been times with friends where I have assumed that we are very close but over time I begin to realize that we are drifting or have drifted apart and usually it's because we have both been busy and without even realizing it have been neglecting each other. Sometimes it's because I've been making the phone calls, sending the messages or gifts, planning the get togethers, but it's been a one way street and I've eventually got tired of being the main person to put in the effort. In any case, I've realized that our perceptions of our relationships don't mean much if they are not based on real actions.

One of the areas where I realized that I haven't been putting in the effort to get the results I want is in my relationship with Little Lady. One of my fears about having a daughter was that we would have a strained relationship where she would feel as if she couldn't quite measure up. Sometimes since her brother was born I've been afraid that I am fostering exactly that kind of relationship since so often the focus has been on him and his sickness, achievements, etc. I know what it's like being the big sister who can't quite compete with the cute little miracle brother and I don't want her to feel the same. Although I realize it's not reality, I want a Gilmore Girls esq relationship with my Little Lady...or at least as close as reality will let me come. So lately I've decided to do something about it. Here and there I've been finding ways to connect with her as a friend and not just a mom. Looking online for dresses (she's a shopper), watching wedding movies (she's all about brides lately), etc.

Last night we had our first spontaneous sleepover and it was SO worth it! We hauled out the double bed mattress from the spare bedroom and set it up on her floor with lots of special blankets and pillows. We rented a girly movie and ate a ton of junk food. We painted our nails shades of pink with tons of sparkle. We giggled and chatted and every minute was so special. Even as she fell asleep she kept randomly giving me kisses and saying "I love you" or "You're so special". I will treasure these moments forever and hope that they are working to make the relationship I want a reality.

Oh and I almost forgot! About a week ago Little Lady made up a song all on her own...with a tune and lines that actually made sense! Her song : "Jesus is the yarn that holds it all together. Jesus holds me all together. Jesus holds me all together." A budding little song writer!

Lancelot's Surgery

Yesterday was Lancelot's ear surgery. I hate hospitals and I was so worried about the surgery but we all managed fairly well! If you remember this you'll know how much hospitals break my heart and how one of my biggest fears for the surgery was having to not let Lancelot eat again. Our experiences with him having to be NPO at birth were so traumatic that I just couldn't imagine going through that again. Thankfully though this time was much different. Lancelot actually did really well with not eating. In the morning he was a little upset at breakfast but we distracted him by taking turns playing toys in the kids bedrooms while we got ready to go. He slept all the way to the hospital and then we managed to keep him distracted enough with balls we had brought along until his surgery that the only time he got a bit irritated again was when he accidentally saw the bottle we had brought along for after.

Even I held up okay! There were a few moments when I almost lost it and ok, a few moments when the tears did fall, but I held it together and managed to not completely break down. So yay me! When we first got to the hospital I was REALLY panicky that I wouldn't be able to do it. The hospital smelled like hospital...a total trigger for my PTSD....and we had to walk through a lot of the areas where we were when Lancelot was born. Then when we checked in there was this mom there who was probably no more than 3-5 years older than me who had three little kids with her...and the youngest, a 3-4 year old girl...was clearly there for cancer treatment. And looking at that mom all by herself with three kids in a hospital obviously trying to navigate a nightmare yet still looking totally calm and put together....that was just about to much for me. I wanted to turn and run and deny all reality. It made me wonder if there will ever be a time when our kids are healthy and we can stop focusing on that and seeing that around us all the time and have a normal life with different problems besides health. Will that day ever come?

The other two things that almost made me lose it were this ten year old boy who was having surgery at the same time as Lancelot but for something else and was trying SO hard to be brave that he just broke my heart, and watching Lancelot go into surgery.

Going IN to surgery was actually no big deal for Lancelot. They had all these different types of cars for the kids to play with in the pre-op waiting room and he was so excited by them that he was totally distracted. The nurse that came to take him to surgery let him drive this one little car while she pushed it and he was having so much fun he wouldn't even let us kiss him! He drove through the O.R. doors and didn't even look back!

However coming out of surgery was a little traumatic. They had promised us that the moment he started to wake up they'd come get us but apparently he came out of the O.R. awake already and they still took 20 minutes to come get us!!!! So needless to say he was a bit traumatized. That was honestly probably the worst thing for him. For the rest of the day if one of us left his sight he would start crying as if we weren't coming back. Even in the car on the way home when Prince Charming got out to fill up gas he totally broke down. That is EXTREMELY unusual for him because he's a pretty independent kid and while he might occasionally cry if I leave he pretty much NEVER cries when Prince Charming does...especially if we're just in the car filling up. So we could tell that the experience had made him a bit insecure.

But overall he did well. By the time we were in the main recovery room he was laughing and trying to run around already! And last night when we came home he even ate some supper and was back to his usual goofy self trying to make us laugh by putting food on his head! Plus he was so excited to see his sister again that the two of them got totally hyper and chased each other all over the house. I had to put an end to it since I didn't really think Lancelot was up to being so boisterous...even though he thought he was....but it was good to see my kids so happy together!

Despite the good result I still struggled with the day and with knowing we will have to be back there in a couple months for his other surgery. I am actually debating cancelling it...so we'll see. Please continue to pray for us in this regard and thank you to everyone who prayed for us yesterday!

Work in Progress

Well I found a template that kind of works but it's still not what I want. So bare with me as I try to figure this out.

Help!

Blogger changed and I lost my beautiful blog layout...and I don't know how to make a new one! Somebody please help me! I hate this one!