Momdrum Makeover

I`ve been wanting to give the momdrums a makeover for awhile. The pictures are almost 3 years old and don`t contain Lancelot. Plus I am tired of the dark colours and would like to brighten up this blog a bit. The problem is that I don`t know how to do it and can`t afford to pay anyone to do it. Any volunteers or instructions would be great!

Less Like Scars

I have been wanting to post more about our experience with Lancelot's birth and the journey we have been on since then but I haven't quite figured out how to begin. Besides that our life has been insane lately with a move and Prince Charming writing exams and two very busy kids. Lancelot is now six months old and the size of his sister at a year! He is so big I can't seem to keep him in clothes and we've already had to move him up a car seat size! It's awesome to see this from a kid who couldn't grow and we had to force feed. Lately things have been a bit rough for Lancelot since he has had a cold and has also been teething (he got his first tooth...an eye tooth!). He's been fussy, not sleeping well, and crying quite a bit. But it sure is a relief to know that he CAN cry now! Anyway, I was asked to share what I had been learning lately with my church and so I decided to post what I am saying there so that you could read it as well.

What I'm going to share today is not so much what I've learned as what I'm in the process of beginning to understand. There is too much to share in just a couple of minutes, plus I'm not sure I'd get through it if I tried, so rather than a whole speech I'm just going to mention a few points and then play a song that pretty much sums it all up. This year, as I've kind of shared before has been by far the most challenging of my life. Moving to a city when I'm a small town girl and not putting down roots since I knew it wasn't permanent so therefore feeling very trapped and lonely a lot of the time. Having my husband gone a lot when my love language is quality time and I had a pre-schooler and was pregnant and then had a newborn. The strain of university life on a young family when neither of us was working. The exhaustion of a stressful pregnancy and selfishly, feeling like I was 25 and my entire life was on hold just so that I could maintain my families life. These things were difficult....but none of them compared,even slightly, to the main event of this year and largest crisis of my life so far which was having our son. In a way it seems wrong to say that the most traumatic experience in your life was giving birth to a child. After all, millions of woman do it daily. But even after already having a child and knowing the excruciating pain and emotional upheaval that can be part of the process....I still wasn't prepared for our experience the second time around. As most of you know, our son's birth was quick and complicated. It felt like a freight train screamed through me and then in the aftermath there was this baby who wasn't breathing and I could hardly process the situation. I was terrified we were going to lose him before his life had even begun. That terror passed quickly in reality although it seemed like eternity in that instant. But the following few weeks were even worse. Like a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. At first there was the confusion of not knowing why he kept turning blue each time he cried. The faint hope that it was something insignificant that would soon pass mingled with the dread that we were dealing with more permanent damage. The ride to a bigger hospital in an ambulance was the worst drive of my life. I remember thinking about how I had sometimes wondered what riding in an ambulance felt like and how I wished I had never wanted to know. It felt surreal to look outside and see sunshine but inside that ambulance my life felt like it was in shatters. Then there were the days of tests, night after night of not getting much needed sleep because every second I wasn't by his side I was wondering if at that moment something was making him cry and if we were going to get a call with the worst possible news. I felt torn because I didn't feel I could leave his side but I missed my daughter so much and just wanted to be home with her. I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone because the pain was just to intense and I felt that nobody could possibly understand. And for the most part not many people could. I didn't blame them, I knew that I wouldn’t have understood before it happened to me and I knew they meant well...but I couldn't bear to
talk to people in person. To hear them say things, however well intentioned...that just proved they had no idea what I was going through. I wondered if this was how I'd always feel...isolated by the pain of either losing a child or living with a child with severe medical issues. The fear and pain were so intense that I felt like my body was just functioning on auto pilot while my mind and heart were at war. I knew God was with me, I saw people’s prayers being answered, but I couldn’t FEEL it. All I could feel was some mixture of numbness and terror. There was one time in particular when he was having tests done and he was crying so hard and nobody could calm him and it didn’t seem like the oxygen was working...there was so much panic and I got sent out of the room and I broke down in the hallway and I thought this is it. It’s over. Some nurses walked by and asked if I was ok and I couldn’t even answer. How do you answer? And where is God when you are facing the absolute bleakest moment? That night I thought of the footprints poem... “when you see only one set of footprints...it is then that I carried you.” I may not have felt completely hopeful and peaceful in that exact moment but it was God who gave me the strength to not completely lose my mind when I felt like I was losing everything else. Maybe he didn’t fix it all...although in the end our son HAS experienced healing and we give God so much glory for that....but we walked through some HORRIBLE times and experienced things I would not wish on ANY parent. The key thing though is that God did and is walking with us. And I think walk is the key word...it’s a journey. I thought that if our son was somehow cured I’d feel better. That my paranoia about his health, my anxiety about being out in public, being around people who coughed or sneezed, my fears, obsessions, and panic and the constant state of stress would stop. But they didn’t. It is only now in the last few weeks that things are SLOWLY starting to ease up. I started seeing a Christian counsellor who has told me that I am experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Dissorder due to the experience. She is helping me to work through a lot of the trauma and in the process to discover a lot about myself and how I deal with things. For example...my entire life I believed I was an extrovert and just recently realized I am very much an introvert. It sounds silly to only realize something like that about yourself at 25...even my husband told me “How could you not know?” but I guess I was raised to be extroverted and always just believed I was...never realizing that the heart of me did not react that way at all. Just learning things like that about myself and being okay with them...learning how I need to respond to stuff...being okay with the way I need to respond to stuff....helps. What I am understanding from this journey is that sometimes life REALLY hurts...and even then God is there. Maybe not in this way that makes everything feel better right then...but to give an ounce of strength to take the next step and eventually ...when you’re ready, to make something out of that pain. To sum up where I’m at lately I often think of the Chorus to the Sara Groves song..Less like Scars. “And I feel you here and you’re picking up the pieces, forever faithful. It seemed out of my hands a bad situation. But you are able. And in your hands the pain and hurt seem less like scars...and more like Character.”
I’m going to play that song now for you.

It's been a hard year , But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard , Healing changes are subtle But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here , And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here , And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here , And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars (x3)

And more like Character

Been a long time...

I just realized it's been almost a month since I last posted! So much has been going on but my mind has been almost as exhausted as my body and I haven't managed to make up anything very post worthy. Here is a brief update on us anyway:
-In between baby preparations of setting up a nursery, stocking my fridge, and scrubbing my house we were also shopping for and bought a brand new vehicle to accommodate baby and also to get rid of our car before it completely fell apart on us. I found vehicle shopping extremely stressful and am relieved to be done with this particular purchase. I am also extremely grateful for the vehicle we ended up with and thankful for the incredible deal we were able to get.
-The baby, like Spring around here, keeps pretending to come but refuses to actually show up. For the last month I have had contractions, pressure, and extreme pelvic and hip pain that keeps me awake many nights and has resulted in my body being completely worn out and exhausted. I had many false starts to labour with my daughter as well but I didn't have the pelvic pain or the third trimester feeling sick which are both almost unbearable at times. I have found this extremely frustrating.
-I have also been busy with my involvement in the start up of a new youth drop in center in my home town. This is a project I am extremely passionate about and I have enjoyed sitting on this board immensely.
-Little Lady has been a little more whiny and clingy lately and I think at last she is beginning to catch on that soon she will not be our only baby. Recently she said that her Nanna and Pappa could keep the baby in it's car seat once it was born and we could keep her. She is still generally very excited about baby's arrival but seems to need our reassurance about our relationship with her quite often. As a result I have tried to do at least one thing almost every day that is special, totally focused, just Little Lady and mommy time. Often it's a craft because she LOVES to do anything artistic but sometimes it's cooking, shopping or a walk to the park. Sometimes we make a tent in the living room or snuggle up to watch a movie. She seems to really soak up these moments and I'm hoping it will help her adjust.
-Little Lady is also learning new things at lightening speed. We recently discovered she knows her right from her left, her birthday, and is catching on to the days of the week. She also knows many of her letters as far as recognizing and even writing a few of them. Sometimes I feel like my little baby just disappeared one night.
-Prince Charming and I were able to spend a weekend just the two of us recently including a nights stay at the hotel where we spent our first night together. We also went out to eat and saw two movies in the theatre, things we will not be able to do for quite awhile after baby arrives.
-I scored two beautiful brunches for mother's day and was truly pampered. Little Lady somehow got the idea that she wanted to buy me a purple purse for mothers day and insisted her and daddy scour the mall for one. I probably won't get a lot of use out of the one she picked...being that it's plastic and has a sesame street character on it :o)....but I was so impressed that she thought of a gift all by herself!
That is just a quick glimpse into our lives lately. I'm sure I'll write more again soon but my brain really hardly functions for the moment.

The downside of discipline

Since we have been shopping for a new vehicle on top of being busy with baby prep and Dr. appointments Little Lady has had to be extra cooperative and accommodating as she has been carted from car to car, building to building. She has done extremely well with the situation but the other night on the way home from a particularly long day of appointments and almost no play time she was beginning to be....well...two. Testing our patience by teasing, talking non-stop, and prancing around at a frantic pace.
On the way out to our vehicle to finally return home for the evening she decided to test her limits a little further and rather than wait patiently for daddy to put her in her car seat...run away. She didn't get very far before I caught her but in the process of distracting both parents a balloon she had received from a dealership earlier that day escaped from the car and was whipped away by the wind.
Immediately she began begging for the balloon back. Of course, neither Prince Charming nor I are The Incredible's and though we have many abilities...none of them are superhuman enough to catch a helium balloon on a windy day. On top of that we are pretty paranoid parents when it comes to traffic or parking lots. We've seen too many accidents to let a toddler take off on their own whims when cars are around. Little Lady knows that she is always supposed to hold our hands when walking anywhere around cars. She also knows that if our hands are full she is supposed to stand right beside us and wait while we unlock the doors and put things in the car so we can secure her in her car seat. So when the balloon decided to say goodbye we explained to her that this was an example of what happens when someone doesn't listen. If you don't follow the rules accidents happen and sometimes the consequences of our actions can't be undone.
Immediately she burst into heart broken tears and begged that she would do better next time so could we please get her balloon back. At first I didn't find it too difficult to reiterate our earlier explanation. "This is what happens when you don't listen." etc. But as the evening wore on and even once she was in bed she would still suddenly burst into tears crying,
"Oh Mommy...I REALLY wanted that balloon!"
I found myself struggling significantly more every second. All I wanted to do was get back that balloon, or give her another...or even bribe her with another treat. Anything to stop her little heart from breaking. Suddenly I understood parents, especially of teens, who never seem to allow their kids to suffer any consequences. Often I've seen a kid write off a car or break a toy because they were handling a situation badly only to see their parents give them a little lecture before abruptly buying them a new one. I've seen kids miss events or activities because they were careless with time or information only to see their parents passionately pursue every effort to make that opportunity possible for their child...even though it was the child's own fault in the first place. When watching other parents I often wonder why they don't allow their children to suffer a consequence now and then. How will they ever learn if mommy and daddy are always there to erase the mess?
But when I saw the heartbreak a simple balloon could cause when it blew away...I suddenly understood all those other parents and immediately took back every judgement I ever made. I didn't get her another balloon or buy her off with something else but I can tell you it was a battle. I DID hold her and hug her and tell her I understood her disappointment. I DID tell her that there would be other balloons and remind her that she was much more special than a balloon which is why I wanted her to listen so she too wouldn't get lost. I DID give her an abundance of hugs and kisses to calm those tears.
I can tell you now that sometimes discipline sucks. Sometimes having to allow natural consequences for your kids is just plain miserable. I still think that in order to learn we all have to suffer some fall out from our actions...but I'm telling you...if I could have brought that balloon back...I probably would have.

Pregnancy is no piece of cake...but it's twice the calories :o(

I can't believe the daily growth of this belly. Constant discomfort, ligament pain, and pregnancy insomnia don't make for an extremely exuberant mommy. However, this last week was the closest I have come in quite a long time to re-charging of the baby making battery. Prince Charming was able to take Spring Break from University and we spent the entire week enjoying being back in our home town and experiencing the pampering of grandparents. Little Lady loved having Nanna and Pappa around for a whole week and has had quite a hard time adjusting to being back in a house with only a very slow moving mamma. I was able to re-connect with an old friend from high school as well as start some sewing on a baby blanket, attend a board meeting, and just do some general activities that felt "normal" for once. Having all those extra hands around to entertain Little Lady helped me relax a lot. I am incredibly lucky to have such a loving family. Although returning to the school routine is a bit rough I do feel quite re-charged and thankfully this is shaping up to be an interesting (if not a little busy), bright, sunny and thankfully short week.
On the weekend our family car broke down and we were facing a major repair and another financial setback but thankfully after some calls and quotes we were able to find a dealership that will do it for about half of what we expected. Still a lot considering we don't really have $500 to put into a car that we really don't even want to keep since it will be quite small once we have two. But it's better than we initially anticipated.
Little Lady started swimming lessons today and loved it! She enjoyed the songs, splashing and sliding and can't wait to return next week.
Tomorrow I have another doctors appointment plus we will be trying to perhaps accomplish a few more baby related tasks. Thanks to a gift card from my parents we were able to buy the new crib mattress we needed (Little Lady uses the old one in her toddler bed) and were able to get the crib set up over Spring Break. Just having the room semi-set up has helped me to feel that much less stressed about preparation. Funny how those little things make so much difference.
Thursday night we will already be heading back up to my parents for Easter weekend which will make this a short week and therefore make easing back into this routine a lot easier.
Now if only there was a magic wand I could wave to make life, and this pregnancy, a piece of cake....without the calories.

Angels Anonymous

Somewhere out there is a special someone who deserves the seat of honour at Angels Anonymous.
As those of you who read my rants regularly are aware, times have been a bit tough lately. I so often feel overwhelmed, overtired, and just plain over my limit. After sharing my struggles with some friends and family as well as my amazing church I have felt a bit better this past week but although emotionally I have felt some comfort, circumstances have not changed. However, I have been in awe how God has shown me several times this week that he offers me his grace when I cannot get by on my own. There has been warm sunshine, a friend to keep me company on a lonely evening, and a call from a public health nurse in our new neighbourhood offering support and some ideas for coping in the coming months. But today I was blessed even beyond all of that.
I awoke after another very interrupted night (I have not been sleeping well with baby bouncing on my bladder and just being this gigantic lump in general) and although I was excited by the prospect of going home today for a Youth Drop-In meeting and a few days with family I also found my hormones were on high alert and I simply couldn't shake the slump I felt. Despite trying to see the positive points of my day (and night, Little Lady woke up only once to pee, made it to the potty, and stayed dry all night!) I found my head full of worries anyway.
Then as I was preparing Little Lady's lunch I heard the post man at my mailbox. Although the only mail we usually get are bills or addressed to previous tenants I decided to check anyway. There in the mailbox was God's hug for me today. In the form of an anonymous letter from an anonymous angel were two gift certificates, one for Starbucks and one for Safeway along with the following verses, John 14 and Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."
Whoever you are I want you to know that today you were God with skin on to someone. Today you brought a bunch of sunshine into my life and it was like God said to me, "I am here. I care. Here is your grace to get through another day." You have been a great blessing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope that someday you are repaid for your generous gift!

Journey

This evening after spending time in personal reflection, devotions, and trying to find ways to focus on the positive...even if those positives occurred in the past...I feel a little bit better. There have been no simple solutions to any of my current stresses and I'm not exactly expecting them. But tonight I feel like I'm at least seeing sun somewhere.

In devotions tonight I was for some reason reminded of the movie "Evan Almighty". What did he pray for again? Patience? Anyway God asks him "How do you think you get to be patient? By being in situations that test your patience." And I realized something, yes, these last few months have been really hard and no, I'm not expecting the next several months will be all that much better....but I AM learning patience, hope and humility in a way I certainly wouldn't have had my family continued to be comfortable where we were, living the status quo. I have spent a lot more time in prayer and just simply spending time with God than I have in quite a long time. It hasn't erased everything that has been happening....but it has given me glimpses of hope and a better understanding of a lot of issues.

Then tonight I was reading a book by Brennan Manning. The chapter I happened to be on was entitled "Celebrate the Darkness". Basically the chapter was on exactly the same theory as "Evan Almighty". Here is a small excerpt, "What is humility? It is the stark realization and acceptance of the fact that I am totally dependent upon God's love and mercy. Humility is not caught by repeating pious phrases; it is accomplished by the hand of God. It is Job on the dunghill all over again as God reminds us that HE is our only true hope."

I'm not saying this has suddenly given me all the answers. I am still struggling and I suspect I will for some time. I also think I probably will talk to my doctor or maybe someone else about setting up some more support before this baby arrives. But I realize that life is not a destination, but a journey. Sometimes you are standing in the sun, sometimes you are sloshing through the slums. It's not punishment and it's not perfect but it's life. And maybe I'm even learning a little along the way.

Confessional

The only way I can imagine blogging this week is to come right out with a confessional. I am not currently on the mark for mother of the year. I am battling baby blues before the baby has even made it's entrance. And I know there are far worse situations than mine but I cannot currently muster the strength to do much of anything else but sulk.

I want to talk to someone but feel sick of speaking with anyone. I feel trapped in my house but haven't got the slightest motivation to get up off my butt and move from it. Somedays all I do is some basic tidying, a few hours on the computer while Little Lady naps beside me on the bed, and sit on the floor and pretend to play with my daughter. I don't even cook very nutritional meals. We have basically eaten leftovers and hodge podge meals every night this week.

This has been pushing itself forward for the last few months but seems to be spilling over the edges of my emotions a little more everyday. I'm not sleeping well with this baby bump. I'm tired of being alone almost all the time and hardly ever seeing my husband. My heart breaks almost daily for my Little Lady who misses her daddy. While her snuggly mood stemming from insecurity is heartbreaking and sweet I am also sick of her hyper, craziness being all I encounter day in and day out...with a few extra tantrums thrown in. Sometimes it feels like all I do is snap at her. I feel guilty for this. I worry about how I will mother another one. I am afraid I won't have enough time for two when I am only one parent at home most of the time. I am afraid of the post-partum that I battled when I had my first baby and worried that it will be back. Finances are a huge fear. And I am beginning to worry about the fact that this baby is only about another 8 to ten weeks away and I have absolutely nothing prepared and unless we can sell a few items or get a big tax return...nothing will be. I feel bad about the meals I am making but don't have the motivation to grocery shop because it feels like a monumental effort when I do only to see "Insufficient funds" flash before me over a few measly no-name groceries. I hate where I live and I hate this life. I want to go back to my own house with a husband who was actually home and a paycheck that actually covered all our expenses...and a lot of extras. I feel guilty for feeling this way because I so badly want my husband to have the opportunity to follow his dreams.

This is my confessional. Maybe the mental cleansing will bring clearer sky's tomorrow.

Steps towards School

For the first time the other day I began to fear the first day of school. You hear the stories or moms sending their sons and daughters off to that daunting first day of kindergarten and then getting back in their cars and crying all the way home. I used to find those tales just a little bit humorous. How could they possibly be crying when I would feel like a party was in order? As much as I love my kid and want to keep her cuddled up in my safe little cuccoon...I sure wouldn't mind a few moments of freedom. That is, until I realized just how close I am to facing that reality.

In the last couple of months I have been repeatedly blown away by the rate at which Little Lady is learning. She recognizes many letters in her books and has most of them memorized. She can understand some fairly complex emotional concepts. And she can usually count objects fairly accurately. It seems like rarely a week will pass without me wondering how my not quite two and a half year old can come up with these things. Especially when I feel that I do so little in the way of actually teaching the little tyke. In fact, the other day at a moms group several of the ladies asked me how it was possible that my daughter was speaking so clearly and using such advanced language at her age. Had I spent a lot of time talking to her and reading to her as a baby? Did I constantly converse with the child and work on word skills? My answer was a very emphatic and somewhat guilty, no. When Little Lady was a baby I often felt incredibly bad about the fact that I just didn't feel comfortable talking to a baby that starred blankly back at me.I hardly ever talked to her except for the basics and the occasional times that I would get out books. So you see, it has nothing to do with me that my daughter is apparently smart. Poor kid, imagine where she could be if she had the kind of mother who actually worked on all those things with her!?

Anyway, driving by a school the other day it suddenly hit me. It won't be long before I will be sending my baby into one of those so called institutes of learning. I nearly passed out from a panic attack! What if she has a terrible teacher? What if the other kids are horrible and mean? What if she is horrible and mean? (I am the first to admit that even the gentlest toddlers can become teenage girls who are absolute and utter terrors). Suddenly it all seemed very scary.

Then today she took another step towards school. While I was tidying up upstairs she told me she was "Going to school. I have class." And proceeded to go downstairs and play. This is something she has never done before because she is very much a mommy's girl and only recently even began playing in her bedroom alone, never mind venturing into the basement by herself. A little while later when I went to check on her I was surprised at what I saw.

She actually was pretending to be in school. Something I have never showed her. She had pulled out a pile of educational toys (we have them because I sell them....not because I actually ever use them with her except for on very rare occasions) and had figured almost all of them out! Spread across the floor were flash cards where she had matched coloured objects, shapes of objects, and adding objects. Each card filled out completely correctly!

As proud as I am of the progress she is making I felt a pang as I realized how quickly my Little Lady has become not so little anymore. Sure she still is a snuggler who can be glued to me at the hip and has yet to outgrow her attachment to my breast as well. And she isn't all academic either, in fact at this moment she is picking through a pile of purses while applying layers of pretend make-up before taking her baby's "out for a walk up town to go shopping." But bit by bit she is gaining her independence and stretching those gossamere wings. Before I know it she'll be a full grown butterfly ready to leave my little cuccoon and test out the freedom of flight. I will be the one sitting in my car crying as I watch my daughter dance up the school steps. And suddenly I understand why those mothers are sad.

My Little Miracle

"woosh, woosh, woosh" The sound of different babies beating hearts whirls around me as I walk down the corridor towards the waiting room. I want to stop and stand in silence, to soak up the sound that echoes around me, testament to the miracle of life. Like a whisper of hope, of another world, of an amazing and wonderful creator. I listen to the lullaby of baby's hearts beating through the hallway and wonder how anyone can hear a babies heart beat and not marvel at the miracle of life.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14
We had our second fetal assessment today. Perhaps because the possibilities felt less frightening this time around I was able to soak up the experience and for some reason found it incredibly moving. I allowed myself to feel swept away by the beautiful sound of little beating hearts that could be heard throughout the halls. I marveled as I watched my miracle baby move around inside me. Kicking, squirming, and bouncing as baby hands flailed in front of a beautiful baby face. I found my eyes welling up with tears of wonder as I watched my baby's eyes open and close and counted five little fingers curl and uncurl on a feisty little fist. My children are both blessings sent straight from heaven, each with their own special story. As I contemplated this throughout my day I felt happier and more content than I have in weeks. Our life in the last little while has been difficult and I have often found my days dreary, my mind discouraged, and my emotions depressed. Somehow for that moment, of holding my husbands hand and focusing on yet another one of God's miracles, put all of my pressures in crystal clear perspective.
Our baby looks healthy and whole. I even feel less frustrated by my weight gain as we were told today our baby is measuring about two weeks bigger than our due date would dictate. They won't move the due date but if I go to term they predict it will be a pretty big baby. My daughter actually measured small at her ultrasound and if they had moved her due date it would have been almost a week later. However, she was born two weeks early and was still almost seven and a half pounds! We'll see how things work out with this one. I'm really hoping I don't go quite full term as the evidence points to a very big baby in that case...and more painful pushing!
My husband and I will still be having some genetic testing done on ourselves to see if we are carriers of any of the genetic diseases that are dispersed throughout our families in case problems may arise in the future. However, there is no immediate need to worry about the baby. We are praying that all the genetic tests will come back showing that we neither have nor carry any of the genetic diseases and therefore will not pass them along. It is still a very serious prayer request but at this point one we do feel a little more at peace about. Our biggest concern is Ataxia which runs in my husbands family. It is the only disease for which one of us is still possibly susceptible and for which there is no real treatment at this time. Please continue to pray with us that my husband does not have or carry this gene.
I end today with tender thoughts and praising the God of grace who has given me a heart full of hope....
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power, that is at work within us, to him be GLORY....throughout all generations, for ever and ever!" Ephesians 3:20-21
Amen!

Two Teen

When Little Lady first made her arrival in our world I can't tell you how many moms told me to "Enjoy this time. She'll grow up before you can blink." I remember thinking then that while I was happy to hold my little sweetheart and have her in my life, I really couldn't wait for her to grow up. You see, in my head growing up meant no more being tied to a baby 24/7, no more dirty diapers, and a child intelligent enough to walk and talk and eventually do basic reading, writing and arithmetic leaving me a few moments of sanity a day. I really didn't get what those experienced moms meant. "Growing up" is a very different thing than simply "getting older". And it entails far more than your basic life skills. These extras are the ones that make you sad. When your child accomplishes a life skill you celebrate. "Yes! No more diaper duty!" But when they actually grow up, when they mature...you are left feeling far less excited and a lot more emotional.
This week I have been bombarded with my daughters maturity in a myriad of ways. On top of the things she has done or said which left me feeling a little sad and soppy eyed, here are a few of the more humorous ones. Let me just say though, that while these things sound extremely cute coming from the mouth of a two year old....they are also things I didn't expect to hear til a lot closer to her teens. I suddenly have images of a tattooed and pierced teenager in the body of a two year old. Which has made me feel like my baby is definitely growing up before I can blink.
In the past week she has asked when she will be old enough to do the following:
1. Shave her legs. Every night in her bath she asks if I can shave her legs or if not, can she shave mine? She now picks up the shaver, looks at me and says "When I get older?"
2. Wear "real" make-up. Little Lady has always loved make-up and has broken into mine more than once. Although she has her own pretend make-up and a whole selection of lip-glosses she is eagerly awaiting the day she will be allowed to crack open her own "real" make-up kit.
3. Drink Coffee. We have explained that she will likely always be to short. :o)
4. Get piercings. She has asked about ear piercings for quite some time seeing as how I have them and she is obsessed with jewelry of any type. Now her aunty has a piercing in her lip and nose which she calls her "sparkle". This is Little Lady's latest obsession.
5. Dye her hair. Currently her favourite colour is pink. Since she has a doll with hair this colour it seems to her like a good selection.
As much as I adore the freedom I feel with each new stage I am beginning to miss that little baby. I now can remember what those woman told me, look at my Little Lady, and think..."Let's just leave you in pig-tails for a little while longer."

Buggy Board

We have been looking for a some kind of solution to the "two kids, one stroller" situation and are looking for your opinions. Currently we have a Peg-Perrego Aria stroller which can be used both as a pram or a normal push chair. The infant carrier can also lock into the push chair if you prefer that over using the pram. We loved this stroller when Little Lady was a baby because she much preferred to lie down in the pram so she could lie flat and kick rather than sit in the car seat with a curved spine. I still love this stroller and would be sad to sell it but I do feel we need something that can accommodate both kids. Little Lady is just a little to little to always have to walk whenever we go anywhere. However, I'm not sure a double stroller would be a good deal either. I was wondering if any of you have used this product or one similar. It's called a Buggy Board and apparently attaches onto any stroller as a small stand for the second child. Of course this means your toddler can't sit and really rest in that way, but since Little Lady never sleeps in the stroller anymore and we don't generally use the stroller in incredibly drawn out situations I am wondering whether this would actually be an issue. It would just be nice to have something so that if I am in the mall or going for a walk I don't have to hold onto her with one hand while trying to push a stroller with the other. It's also hard to always try and keep the pace of a toddler and especially when I am in a store...it's nice to have a little more control over her craziness. If something like this Buggy Board would work we could still keep our current stroller and use the pram and everything. Plus it would still be cheaper than buying a second stroller. Any opinions? Has anyone used anything like this before?

Bummed

I want to write but can't think of any way to make this more than just a complaining post. The past week and weekend were on the rough side with me wishing I had a husband for more than two hours a week, moaning about how this baby is making me pack on the pounds, battling the usual baby bump insomnia, feeling entirely wiped out while trying to maintain a home and get done mountains of tasks while being the sole caretaker of a two year old, losing my patience with potty training, catching a terrible cold, wanting to shoot grenades at the train that trumpets by on an increasingly regularly basis, telling myself not to be terrified when things mysteriously move around in our rental, missing my own house in my own yard with my big bedroom and beautiful kitchen, the list goes on.....
I'm trying to think of ways to make myself look on the bright side again for a bit but I feel a little worn down and a lot tired of trying to paint this all in a positive light. Not that it doesn't all HAVE the possibility to be positive. I am so proud of my husband for making it into this MBA program and for working towards his masters. I am happy that he has this opportunity to pursue his dreams. I am thrilled to be expecting another baby. I adore my daughter. But while all these things are great, they seem to require a mountain of sacrifices and sometimes I feel just utterly drenched by the downpour. I wish it were possible to pop open an umbrella that made the world around me full of sunshine and erased every bit of stress. Does anyone have any ideas to create that illusion even for a little while? And it can't include chocolate since stress eating is the last thing this baby needs. It's already turning me into a blimp in a way my first baby NEVER did. I wouldn't be surprised if I give birth to a baby blimp the way this baby craves food!

Your life is an occasion - Rise to it!

The above is a quote from Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. Possibly one of the best movies I've watched recently, with some of the most positive and poignant thoughts on death I've ever heard. This movie has been especially moving and emotional for me in the last week as, a week ago yesterday, my cousin past away from cancer. She was only 23. In high school, she lived with my family for a year and as such, she was the closest I've ever come to having a sister. We shared clothes, a bathroom, a phone line, and chores. We giggled, we fought, we were typical teenage girls. As I've tried to come to terms with her passing I've found myself faced with a mix of strange emotions. We didn't have a close relationship in the past five years or so, only speaking on occasion, and seeing each other only at family functions. I grieve for her parents, her siblings, and the friends she spent the most time with in recent months and years. I am sad to see a vibrant life cut so short. But I do not grieve for her, or for myself. She is in a much better place, away from the suffering and struggle of cancer. Although she didn't want to leave, I have no doubt that she would not now want to come back. And because of that, I don't grieve for myself.



I believe she would have wanted her death to inspire people to live....not to dwell in the dark shadow of death. I believe she would have wanted people to remember her life fondly, but not feel burdened down by her burial. I think she would have loved Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium...and I think she would have said about her death just what he does about his. I have been inspired by her passing to continue on with passion. To discover every dream, to delve into every question before the time for answers has run out. When I die I want the wonders of my life to be the beauty I leave behind, pages of a brilliant book. Every book must come to an end, as will mine eventually, but I'd like to think that the sweetness of the story will be the focus, and not the sadness of the book ending. If I could leave behind a last conversation, I think it would be much like Mr. Magorium's.

Mr. M: "When King Lear dies in act five, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He's written...."He dies." That's all. Nothing more. No fan fair. No metaphor. No brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is, "He dies". It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with "He dies". And yet every time I read those two words I find myself overwhelmed with disphorium. And I know it's only natural to be sad. But not because of the words "He dies", but because of the life we saw prior to those words.
I've lived a good, long life Mahoney. And I'm not asking you to be happy that I must go, I'm only asking that you turn the page. Continue reading. And let the next story begin. And, if anyone ever asks what became of me, you relate my life in all it's wonder....and end it with a simple, and modest,..."He died".

Mahoney: "I love you"

Mr. M: "I love you too. Your life is an occasion....rise to it!"

Encouragement

"One of the few, yet rarely discovered certainties of life is this: if we are sensitive and open to God's presence we find all of life becoming more sacred. As the days pass, our concept of God grows larger and we begin to recognize the love of Jesus coming to us in the twinkling eyes of a little old lady. The joy of God in a child's face. The agony of Christ in a young mother's tears as she mourns the death of her newborn son. In spite of getting pink fur rubbed from our noses by life, we gradually realize that God has always been in control, always aware, ever present with us, even when we didn't feel Him near. Over time, we see that even when life does not turn out the way we envisioned it would, God never stopped loving us - not even for one moment. The kiss of God's presence is always there. Our part is simply to abide, to stay with, to live in Him. To become more Real."

From the book "The Velveteen Woman" by Brenda Waggoner

I read this paragraph this morning after an extremely encouraging evening of hanging out in the ever humours presence of teenagers. I appreciated the way they were so raw and real. Thank God for putting children and teens around to touch our lives.

Back in the blogosphere

I realize it has been almost two months since my fingers have flown over these keys and sent out communication into the blogosphere. It's not that I haven't wanted to say hello or that my fellow mothers advice wouldn't have been most helpful to clear my head...it's just things have felt overly hectic. In the past two months it seems our small family encountered an issue or escapade in almost every area of life and although I repeatedly looked at my blog and longed for a moment to unload my mind, there were only a small handful of opportunities and at all those I found my mind a complete blank and creative genius barren. However, the waters have seemingly stilled for now and on top of that...we seem to have emerged a more peaceful and prayerful family with a hopeful and positive outlook.



So rather than reminisce right now on the rough road of the last few months I am going to focus on one very specific topic. Something I have wanted to write a post about for months already. The topic of Church and spirituality in the life of the modern young mom. My friend Stephanie over at Metropolitan Mama wrote on this several months back and I was instantly intrigued and inspired as I too have shared this struggle.

As it happens for most moms, bringing my baby into the world meant an almost complete and abrupt end to me time. Once that mommy radar begins to whir your brain is never again baby free. Even when you are without them you are wondering or worrying about their welfare. I believe this is a phenomenon known only to woman as my husband, although adoring his daughter, seems to easily switch off his "dad" brain...even with her sitting four feet away. It is not so for me.

Therefore, church...and any type of devotional/spiritual life became somewhat of well....a waste of time. At church I spent my time in a noisy nursery either nursing my infant or trying to calm a tired toddler who missed her morning nap. During the week I would try and take a few moments for devotions or daily bible reading...but being emotionally and physically spent for at least the first seven months of my daughters life meant that no matter how hard I tried I simply couldn't extract much meaning from it. And that was when I could even find five minutes for me time in the first place. Like many young moms I have met I felt discouraged, depleted, and wondered if there was any way that I could ever find fulfillment in traditional religion in the future.

In the last month I have finally laid it all down and realized the answer is a resounding "No". I hadn't realized before my baby arrived how incredibly traditional I actually was. How I believed that I had to go to a traditional church where we sit and listen to singing, a sermon, and sharing every Sunday. How I should do devotions daily and study the scriptures for a certain amount of time each week. I have now found myself involved in a great awakening.

First of all I allowed myself to admit that the traditional style church, no matter how amazing or modern it may be, simply does not suite the life of a young mom. My husband and I recently found a solution to this in a house church that meets weekly over a shared Sunday brunch in a relaxed atmosphere. In this environment everyone feels like family and nobody cares if my Little Lady is running lose while we listen to the person sharing the devotional. Someone else is always willing to entertain her and she is not forced to sit still and silent or confined to a noisy nursery. There is a children's program during the more serious part of the service and since it's so small I don't mind my daughter joining them if she wants to. Plus, everyone takes turns so every mom gets at least a few Sundays to just sit and listen with the adults. This freedom has allowed me to relax and really soak up the encouragement of others each Sunday. I finally feel excited about attending a "church" again!

Secondly, I recently have been reading the book "The Velveteen Woman" by Brenda Waggoner while my daughter eats breakfast. This book has opened my world up to experience God in a whole new way. I have learned that I don't need to lament this stage in my life or in my spiritual walk. God never required a bunch of rules in the first place. He just wants my heart. I am learning to hear him just as well (maybe better) in the children's books I read my daughter, in the life lessons I learn through her eyes, in a song, or in a movie as I used to hear him through the bible. I am learning that he speaks my love language. Which means I don't have to fit this traditional mold in order to feel his love. He loves me through my daughters hugs, her sweet little kisses, through a sunshine filled day.

It's not that the traditional things are wrong and neither do I plan to abandon them altogether. I am simply learning that God does not live in a box and he is not heard only in the Bible. He is real, he is here, and he understands this season in my spirituality even better than I do. Through him showing my how to be real I am realizing that perhaps motherhood is not the end of my spiritual sojourn....perhaps...it is only the beginning.

A toast to tinkle...signs of progress

I have missed my blogging buddies. I've been away from the blogosphere lately...mostly for lack of energy enough to come up with anything creative or worth while to write. However, I have not abandoned my blog...on occasion I look at it longingly or do a several second shuffle through the writings of my favourite blog friends. Just because I can't comment doesn't mean your work has not been meaningful, amusing, or masterful in my mind. They are all these things and more.

My shortage of sleep and the rest that should generally ensue from it is directly related to the aftershock of weaning Little Lady. It's been about three weeks now since we said goodbye to breast-feeding, but until today I was beginning to feel utterly hopeless that we would ever get over the effects. When I weaned her from my breast she began waking more during the night, opening her eyes for the day LONG before dawn, and saying no to naps. Half and hour of a day time break has felt like heaven. She is still her sweet self for the most part. Full of huge hugs and cute kisses, sometimes fifteen in only a few minutes. She is still affectionate and adorable. However she is now obsessed with touching (and looking at) my breasts, is more prone to tantrums, and has COMPLETELY stopped toilet training! I used to be the only one who could put her to sleep quietly. We would cuddle and read and bond while she snuggled at my breast. Now I'm the only one who CAN'T put her to sleep without a screaming fit...and I feel a deep sense of loss and longing for the "good old days". In short, the weaning thing has been a significant struggle around here and I was about to abandon the thought of us ever having a "normal" life again.

Until this morning. Three weeks ago Little Lady was in panties and loving it. Since being broken of the breast habit she has refused to even SIT on the toilet, never mind make anything in it. But today she did it! This morning, after awaking at her now usual outlandishly early time, I slipped off her sleeper and tried once more to get her to sit on the toilet. She didn't complain a bit and within seconds of seating herself comfortably....she sprinkled! Even she was impressed with her progress, smiling and pointing proudly.

I'm aware that toilet tales are not the most terrific to read. But today's potty incident was more about putting the past in it's place and getting over the big disappointments. I guess that's mother-hood for you....finding hope in a toilet flush. So here's a toast to tinkle...may there be many more signs of moving on!

Moving on

This is my 99th post. It feels fitting in a way. I always though that once you had reached your hundredth post you were kind of a "grown up" blog. It made a blog seem established, as if 100 was somehow a turning point. It feels fitting therefore that as this blog has been mostly about my experiences in motherhood...I am also reaching a major milestone in my life as mother.

Yesterday marked our first official 24 hours without nursing. I have done it a few other times but this time was different. It was purposeful and poignant. The beginning of the end of an era. I the anti breastfeeder found myself almost in mourning. I desperately wanted to take back my decision. My beautiful baby is growing up and I find myself wanting to grab onto these precious pieces of her babyhood and hold on with an iron grip. There have been other "lasts" but this one loomed over me for almost a month. Taunting me as time slid away. Nothing else has marked her growth to me more than this. Suddenly all I see is her in a plaid jumper just about to start school, her in a too small tank top screaming at me as a teenager, a blue eyed beauty about to embark on her college education, a blushing bride about to walk down the aisle. They flash before my eyes like an unstoppable slide show. It feels almost like drowning. I will never again get my baby back. She is grown and going on.

The hardest part was her heart breaking communication with me as I rocked her to sleep last night. She is very expressive and her eyes speak volumes.

"Mommy?" Those big blue eyes seemed to say. "Mommy why aren't you nursing me?"

"I'm sorry baby. Mommy has to switch medications and so you can't nurse anymore. But your a big girl and it's ok. Mommy will still hold you while you go to sleep. It's okay sweetheart."

Her lower lip juts out and her pretty eyes turn into liquid pools. "But...mommy...." She begins frantically searching my shirt as we sit cuddled together on the couch.

"They're still there baby. You just can't nurse tonight. Mommy loves you though."

Her hands find my breasts beneath my shirt and she gently holds them. She looks up at me with questioning eyes "Is this okay mommy?"

"Yes baby. Mommy's here"

She settles into my arms and falls asleep.

Who knew the non breastfeeder would mourn this moment? Tomorrow I will once again cherish the cherub she has become and all her wild one year old ways....but today...today I say goodbye to my baby.

Mommy will always hold you in her heart honey. You have left the breast..but you will always be my baby.

The terrible...ones?

I thought the terrible two's took over at two. Either that's a myth or my daughter is way to much like her mother. My mom always said I matured early. Every emotional stage was hit sooner than my peers. She also stated recently that I was done with the terrible two's by the time I turned the tricky age. I believe my baby is following in my footsteps.

Here is a peek into the daily world of my wonderful one year old:

-I am installing her car seat in the car...I turn around to find her mouth full of mud. A scrumptious meal scraped from the garage floor.

- (same day)We are at our weekly play date with four other moms and babes. The living room is full of toys and tots and the mothers are enjoying something other than baby talk. My daughter is happily playing by my feet when suddenly, at the exact same second, we all see why she was suddenly so sweetly silent. Vaseline is smeared from her waist to the tips of her pig tails. Her hands are caked in great greasy globs. The diaper bag is now water proof for the rest of it's life.

-I am putting on my make-up with her only inches away. She totters off into the other room an less than a second later I hear a "Clink, clink, clink". Suspecting another escapade I follow her footsteps to where I find her dropping change (no idea where she found and how she managed to pull it off the swipe so quickly) down my heating vents.

-I block the stairs so she can't send herself catapulting down on her cranium (an activity she finds especially entertaining) only to be subjected to a full blown toddler tantrum. Kicking and everything. What a terrible mother to deprive her of that fun.

-Any room that isn't closed off becomes a catastrophic mess in two point two seconds.

-She knows EXACTLY what she wants and how she wants it and will point and sign and grunt and gesture until she gets her way....or scream at the unfairness of being banned from eating nothing but baked goodies. She can't say very many words clearly but her level of knowledge and understanding far exceeds her vocabulary. This makes for some very frustrating face offs.

And yet, she is the sweetest sugar plum she's ever been. She hugs and kisses with gusto, is attached to her doll and her twin teddy bears to the point of sleeping with them tucked snuggly under her arms and nuzzled under her neck, and jabbers the most beautiful baby talk non stop. She laughs and teases and tickles and all of life is an adventure. Even her tantrums are quickly forgotten when she realized they accomplish nothing and she is soon snuggling her cheek against mine. My summary therefore is that the two's are not so terrible...just terrifically intense.

More answers to Halloween

Halloween is over and many of your are already hanging Christmas lights. However, I recieved so much response and had so many interesting ideas come in after I shared my family's feelings on the subject that I wanted to share a few more with you. Maybe they'll come in handy next year. First, here's an e-mail I was sent written by Johm Fischer of the Fischtank.
Catch of the Day
Halloween is not Satan's holiday by John Fischer
Here's what I have to say to everybody on Halloween, 2007. Fear not, stock up on candy, and turn on the lights. Christians have a short history of opting out of All Hallows Eve, even though the origins of this holiday celebrated the martyrs who had given their lives for the gospel of Jesus Christ. A few years ago someone convinced a group of already frightened Christians that they should really be sacred on Halloween, so that's when the bad news of Satan's holiday spread all over the country (fear travels fast), houses went dark and everybody went to church for a safe, alternative celebration. Now I know this wasn't always the case for Christians, because when I was a kid in a fundamentalist, legalistic, God-fearing, Bible-quoting, practically-live-at-the-church household, we always celebrated Halloween. In fact I have a friend, a little younger than I from a similar background, who remembers the year that Halloween suddenly wasn't okay for the families in his church, so he had to go to an alternative event at the church dressed as a Bible character. He was so bummed he didn't get to go trick-or-treating that he went to the church event as Satan! Major Bible character, indeed, but not what they had in mind. Happily for him, they ended up sending him home so he got to go trick-or-treating after all. This said, I am not unaware of the fact that there are crazies out there putting drugs and sharp objects in the candy, and that Satanists may be into some nasty things tonight, but I refuse to let these people win by darkening my house. Halloween is the one night out of the year that everyone's home is open (almost everyone's), and moms and dads are out on the street with their kids, or entertaining neighbors at home. If people of the light opt out of this ideal opportunity to build relationships in the community, I can't help but wonder who really wins that battle. So if you're new at this, this is what you should do. If you have kids, go out with a group of your neighbors and their kids. Talk to them as you go and find out things you can pick up later in conversation. At houses where adults seem to be a part of the fun, introduce yourself and chat a little bit. Try and remember their names so that the next time you pass any of them on the street you can say, "Hi Tom, how's it going?" If you don't have kids, turn on lots of lights so they'll know you are home, open your door when the doorbell rings, rave about the incredible costumes of the little ghosts and goblins who are trying to scare you (be scared, in other words -- be really scared!), dump large amounts of candy into their bags (buy the best stuff if you haven't yet, the word will get out quickly that your house is the one to be sure and visit), wish them a Happy Halloween, and invite them to come back to your house any time. If you're feeling especially adventurous, you might want to try and do a little scaring yourself. I like to play the Ghostbusters theme and jump out of the bushes in a gorilla mask. So have a safe Halloween, get to know your neighbors better, and above all, don't be afraid (except when scared by little ghosts). It's not Satan's holiday unless we give it over to him. Oh by the way, Chandler's going as a Star Wars storm trooper. He's got the whole outfit, including that very cool white helmet they wear. "


Another idea that I definitely want to use next year is this: Trick or Eating. Instead of collecting candy...you collect cans for your local food bank!

Thanks for all your ideas!