It's a (Wonderful?) Life

It has been literally months since I have stepped inside this blogging box and attempted to describe to you the life we are leading. In fact, by this time I am probably talking to myself. But that's alright because I feel I should start putting my thoughts down on "paper" again, even if I am the only one who will read them. It's a way to organize the part inside my mind that sometimes feels overwhelmed trying to process all the thought patterns that scramble through on any given day....or minute. For the record, I did not intend to stop blogging but after our camping catastrophe this summer the stuff that fills our lives became so all consuming that every time I thought about blogging I couldn't even begin to see where I would start. Of course it didn't help that blogger erased my old lay out and I have found it impossible to find a new one for free that fits my desired design. Who wants to write on ugly paper? Silly I know but I'm shallow like that. If it weren't so difficult I'd pen my pent up emotions on beautiful frayed parchment with a fountain pen. But alas, this is the convenient, time efficient way to express emotions (doesn't that sound like a bit of an oxy moron?). It seems to me that after an absence of this extent I should supply some sort of update about our lives...however, a complete update would be almost as overwhelming to read as it was to live and would be way to lengthy to type. So instead I will take the easy way out and give you our last few months in sentences. And maybe I'll slip in a picture or two.

-Little Lady celebrated her fourth birthday Fancy Nancy style. Fancy Nancy is a book series for little girls that we discovered almost two years ago and Little Lady has been collecting everything Fancy Nancy ever since. In Fancy Nancy's world everything is elaborate, dramatic, and expressed with big words. We had makeovers, made tiara's, accessorized, had a fashion show, read a few Fancy Nancy stories, and finished it off with a fancy tea.
-We said "So Long" (What a strange phrase) to dear friends of ours as they moved to another province. This has been especially hard on Little Lady who misses their daughter terribly.

-Lancelot had his third surgery. It went well although the recovery has been a long long road.
-Our computer crashed and my laptop crashed, twice. I lost all of our photo albums...including all of Lancelot's birth to six month album which I create on the computer. The cost, time, and memories lost was a major blow.

-I celebrated another birthday and feel extremely old. I know, I know, 26 is not old...blah,blah, blah. It's hard to explain. Have you ever watched Jerry Maguire? At one point the female lead is having a conversation with her sister and her sister reminds her she needs to be responsible while going out for an evening. The female lead says, "Do you know how other girls my age are spending their time? They are finishing their degrees, they are dating, they are dressing up and going out all the time, (etc.). I am constantly thinking about how to pay the bills, what to do for my four year old, (etc.). (and here's the part that I really identify with..) I am the oldest 26 year old in the entire world!" When I was 18 and engaged I didn't think I was too young. When I was 21 and pregnant I didn't think I was too young. Now I am 26 with two kids, have been married almost 7 years, and have put my life, education, and career on hold 3 times in order to make my families life work. I have what everybody supposedly aims for....husband, 2 kids, owning two cars and home with a nice fenced yard...all I need is the dog (which will NOT happen) and I'd essentially have "The American Dream". Yet something in my head keeps screaming, "I am too young for this!"

-Prince Charming graduated with his Masters in Business.

- I went through three new doctors to finally find one I trusted enough to help me try and fix my increasingly debilitating health issues. I went through weekly/biweekly appointments and a new prescription that multiplied all my issues by about a thousand and made everything a million times worse.

-Prince Charming and I went on a much needed week long vacation. It was our first trip alone together since our honeymoon and the first time we had left both kids for more than a night. We got extremely lucky in that his company needed to send somebody to Hawaii for a one day job exactly the week we were hoping to get away and they sent him! This meant that our costs for our vacation were cut in half which was a huge relief and we also got to experience a dream of ours and go to Hawaii which is something that likely wouldn't have happened for years otherwise. The downside of this trip is that during this time I was still on the previously mentioned medication which made most of the trip so much more miserable then we would have liked. The upside is that we got to sleep, soak up sun, and surf and so we still managed to capture a few much needed magical moments.- We all got sick on a nice little sickness merry-go-round. Our household has not been fully healthy since Early/Mid-November.

-Lancelot was hospitalized with a very serious illness called Kawasaki's Disease. This was a nightmare. He will be monitored by cardiologists for 3 months. Hopefully all is clear in those months and the monitoring will not have to continue.

-During the sickness merry-go-round I have not been able to work much, we had to cancel many events, two weekend trips, and numerous other things got moved around or lost in the shuffle.

-We had numerous disappointments in my job with the drop-in.

-We've had numerous small financial set backs that added with everything else feel much worse than they actually are.

-My brother got engaged to this beautiful girl and I am finally getting a sister!-I finally found a specialist who could diagnose me. Currently I have been labeled with 5 different conditions. No that's not a typo. Five. We are still in the testing phases to determine some of the severity and the correct approach. I have been told I will never be "cured" but they hope I will eventually feel "healthy". I am currently on a very restricted diet and also have to make considerable lifestyle changes. This will not change regardless of test outcomes but some medications will likely be added as well.

Well, that's a summary of our lives since I last set foot here. To sum up...we are struggling. On the up side (because I feel that I need to end this post on some sort of up side), I recently enjoyed my annual review of "It's A Wonderful Life" and despite the discouragement in our lives I was reminded of one thing...there is always a reason we are here. We may not be sure of it's existence...but somewhere...somewhere behind the darkness there is hope.

P.S. Next time I'll give you an update on the kids because despite their ride on the sickness wheel they have a lot of exciting things to share!

Reunion

Last night my grad class had a little mini-reunion. It's been 8 years since grad and even though some of us live in the same town...and our grad class was only 25ish people...I honestly hadn't seen some of these people since our graduation day! It's strange how even the people we are closest to in high school can become people we never see. For instance one of my best friends in high school I hadn't seen since I was pregnant with Little Lady four years ago! Even my maid of honour and I hadn't connected more than a handful of times in the past 6 years.

While it was slightly awkward to be the ONLY girl who has kids and therefore the ONLY one who doesn't have a gorgeous, toned, identical-to-the-one-she-had-8-years-ago body...it was actually amazing to reconnect. Initially I was worried it would be awkward and I was super nervous about heading out for the evening....but I quickly realized that while we have all made our way down different paths, we are still the same people at the core.

Which brings me to my point! This morning I am feeling so lucky. Lucky to have my kids and my husband. Lucky to have good new friends. And Lucky to have amazing old friends. I always knew that I was pretty lucky to go to school with the people I did but I realized it even more last night. For one, they have all become amazing, successful adults but what struck me even more is that even after all this time and distance and differences they genuinely still care about and look out for each other. This probably won't make sense to many of you without all the context...but I just had to write about it because I was so blown away by it.

To elaborate a little more..I had two very different high school experiences, one in a private Christian school and one in a public school where there were very few Christians (this is where I graduated). In the Christian school I always felt extremely judged, ostracized, and out of place. It was not a good experience for me at all. In the public school I had tons of friends who fully accepted me...regardless of the fact that I had some different beliefs...and who ALWAYS ALWAYS looked out for me and protected me and were there for me. It always made me think. What is so attractive about Christianity if a Christian feels SAFER with non-Christians?

People often ask us where we will send our kids to school. Our answer is always a resounding "Public School" because for BOTH of us our experiences were better in a public setting. Some people don't understand why we wouldn't send our kids to the Christian school for the "Christian environment" and to be honest? It's because to us the public school has the more Christ like environment even if it isn't "Christian".

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." - Gandhi

Over the past few days I have been thinking a lot about that quote. And yesterday just brought it into even sharper focus. As I am the director of a "Youth for Christ" drop in for teenagers I have to consider "How do I make the last part of Gandhi's statement different for these teenagers?" When they graduate will they say "I felt safer and more accepted with my non-Christian friends than with the Christians"? I find it so sad that that has been...and often still continues to be... my experience. How will we change this for the future?

Making the moment

Lately I've been thinking about how we often have a lot of dreams, ideas, and good intentions but how they don't always manage to materialize. For example, you might visualize your relationship with someone to be a certain way but without putting in the effort to achieve that it's not just magically going to happen. I might imagine that Prince Charming and I, ten years down the line, are going to travel together and laugh and be the couple that never runs out of conversation. But in order to actually get that image in my mind to be a reality I have to put in the work now. If I visualize myself as being really close with a friend that won't be reality unless I am putting in the time and the effort to be there, make the phone call, etc. There have been times with friends where I have assumed that we are very close but over time I begin to realize that we are drifting or have drifted apart and usually it's because we have both been busy and without even realizing it have been neglecting each other. Sometimes it's because I've been making the phone calls, sending the messages or gifts, planning the get togethers, but it's been a one way street and I've eventually got tired of being the main person to put in the effort. In any case, I've realized that our perceptions of our relationships don't mean much if they are not based on real actions.

One of the areas where I realized that I haven't been putting in the effort to get the results I want is in my relationship with Little Lady. One of my fears about having a daughter was that we would have a strained relationship where she would feel as if she couldn't quite measure up. Sometimes since her brother was born I've been afraid that I am fostering exactly that kind of relationship since so often the focus has been on him and his sickness, achievements, etc. I know what it's like being the big sister who can't quite compete with the cute little miracle brother and I don't want her to feel the same. Although I realize it's not reality, I want a Gilmore Girls esq relationship with my Little Lady...or at least as close as reality will let me come. So lately I've decided to do something about it. Here and there I've been finding ways to connect with her as a friend and not just a mom. Looking online for dresses (she's a shopper), watching wedding movies (she's all about brides lately), etc.

Last night we had our first spontaneous sleepover and it was SO worth it! We hauled out the double bed mattress from the spare bedroom and set it up on her floor with lots of special blankets and pillows. We rented a girly movie and ate a ton of junk food. We painted our nails shades of pink with tons of sparkle. We giggled and chatted and every minute was so special. Even as she fell asleep she kept randomly giving me kisses and saying "I love you" or "You're so special". I will treasure these moments forever and hope that they are working to make the relationship I want a reality.

Oh and I almost forgot! About a week ago Little Lady made up a song all on her own...with a tune and lines that actually made sense! Her song : "Jesus is the yarn that holds it all together. Jesus holds me all together. Jesus holds me all together." A budding little song writer!

To Circumscise or Not to Circumscise...apparently that is the question

I did not mean for this to become a debate on medical issues but apparently it has and so I wanted to clarify a few things.

First of all, Thank you Tara for your kind comment and insight. Yes those comments from people who have no idea what they are talking about DO bother me. I think it is incredibly rude for you, the random reader who knows nothing about me except a few words on a page, to make assumptions and judgmental statements. I am most frustrated by the comments of those who try to dispense medical advice when they are a)not medical professionals as far as I can tell b) have no idea about my families medical history c) are female and therefore don't even have personal experience! and d) are, as far as I can tell, not mothers so they don't even have any clue what it is like to be a parent or have had a similar experience with their child. If you fall under any of those categories and still want to leave your two cents...don't bother. From now on I'll be deleting all those types of comments. And if that bothers you then find another blog to read. This ones not for you.

If however you are a friend, even a friend I haven't met, and just want to KINDLY share our support you are more than welcome to. You are also welcome to leave comments about personal experiences. I'm not against hearing other peoples stories, and maybe even learning from them, but I AM against other people assuming that their stories automatically apply to me or my family. Just because something was the right decision for you or a family member does not necessarily mean it is right for us or my son. Please do not imply that it is.

Now that that's off my chest, here are a few things to clarify.
1. If nothing appears on Lancelots test they will consider doing a circumcision to stop the SYMPTOMS of a UTI. If nothing shows up on the tests then they are fairly sure that it is not UTI's he's been having but rather localized infections due to the nature of his anatomy. Because of the nature of his anatomy they have never been able to get a truly sterile urine sample from him which means that the infection may not be coming from inside but rather outside. So in answer to all those comments about circumcision not stopping a UTI...yes I am aware of that. Obviously. Please do not assume I am an idiot and that you know more than an entire team of medical professionals.
2. I am aware of the risks of surgery both for ear tubes and circumcision. See above statement. Surgeries carry risks. I know it well...I've had many surgeries myself and Lancelot has had one at only a week old. I know the risks. That's why I asked for prayer. But surgery is also helpful. Lancelot wouldn't be alive without the surgery he had at a week. Also, In our circle of family and friends I know of MANY cases where these surgeries were a HUGE benefit for the person who had them. In fact NOT having the surgery would have been seriously detrimental. To share one of many stories I could tell you...and without naming names or specifics to protect this persons privacy...we know of someone who was always a potential candidate for circumcision and never had it because of all the "risks" etc. At 14 he ended up in EMERGENCY SURGERY because his foreskin was literally strangling his penis! Yes, I'm not kidding here. He would actually pass out from an erection because blood supply was so severely cut off. Do you know how embarrassing that is for a teenager? Do you know how painful that is? Are you aware of the extreme ways a condition like that could effect a guy for life? Think about that the next time you decide to get all preachy on someone about a medical issue. Yeah, you may have a point in some circumstances, maybe even most, but you are NOT GOD and unless you are a medical professional familiar with that persons specific case...you really have NO idea. Stop pretending that you do.

Cope

It's worse than we thought. The emergency room doctors were wrong. Lancelot DOES have a UTI and he will need to go on antibiotichs again. Plus have a kidney ultrasound and possibly more extensive testing. I am so tired. I don't really know how to cope with yet ANOTHER medical issue.

These are a few of my favorite things....

This weekend we had yet another trip to emergency and I watched my son get a catheter and blood work. It was miserable...maybe beyond that. However, in the end the problem they thought was potentially very serious ends up being as minor as a probable circumcision. Not fun...but not all that freaky either. Things have been ....frustrating lately...but I have also been reminded recently of a million little wonderful moments and the song by Maria ...."When the dog bites, When the bee stings, When I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel sooooo bad!"

So here are a few of my favorite things:

1. Big wet slobbery kisses from Lancelot
2. Holding Little Lady's light little frame...the way it feels like carrying a bird and the way I feel like her shelter when she slips her arms around me and squeezes. Her hugs remind me of the little girl in "The Santa Claus 3"....they warm me to the core.
3. Lancelot chortle little man laugh over ridiculously random things and Little Lady's girly giggle over things that delight her.
4. The way Little Lady still has a little baby accent on certain words. Like "gayell" for "girl" or "bootyfull" for "beautiful". Or her frequent use of words that are way to big for her like "absolutely", "apparently", and "supposedly". I also love her current favorite word when things are gross or a problem..."Nasty!"
5. Little Lady's daily obsession with obtaining a little sister. She even decided to turn my parents dog into one until she could get her own and insisted my mom buy the male dog a pink leash, collar, and bone.
6. Lancelot's Ray Charles and Hulk impressions. They were both things he did one day to be silly but now when we tell him to do them he does it on command! It's awesome! He scrunches up his nose and eyes and gets a big cheesy smile then shakes his head back and forth and clap for Ray Charles. For the Hulk he clenches his fists, clenches his teeth, and makes his whole body shake!
7. Lancelot waving bye bye enthusiastically whenever he hears the word.
8. The way Lancelot flirts with woman everywhere
9. The way Little Lady loves to shop and when I took her to the lady's room at a restaurant the other day she insisted on checking her hair and make-up and then proceeded to pretend to apply mascara, lipstick and blush and spent a good five minutes "primping".
10. Holding hands with my husband when we drive in the car, listening to music, and chatting.
11. Falling asleep next to my husband
12. Beautiful blue sky as far as the eye can see and warm sun shining down.
13. The way Little Lady mothers her brother, reading him stories, bringing him toys, playing with him, protecting him from things he shouldn't have
14. The way Lancelot loves his big sister and calls "NANA" or "ANNIENANA" (his version of her name) whenever she's not around.
15. The way Lancelot loves balls and uses them like a security blanket instead of a bear or blanket.
16. Snuggling Lancelot while he nurses and naps
17. Watching Little Lady drive her tricycle...repeatedly into the ditch while giggling incessantly.
18. The fact that Lancelot knows the theme song to Gilmore Girls because of my obsessive watching of it while he was in the womb and now will even wake from sleep or stop whatever he is doing if he hears it, grin like mad, and dance. Little Lady was the same with the Friends theme song when she was small. It just proves that kids really do hear things while you're pregnant.
19. The smell of my baby's breath and my husbands skin
20. Being with my kids and my husband and knowing that we might not have it all together...but together we have it all.

Take that Nicholas Sparks!

Remember that oh-so-romantic scene in A Walk To Remember after Jamie has told Landon about her list of things to do before she dies and he, being this handsome high school boy that is not at all unrealistically chivalrous and sweet, is checking off her list? Remember when they go on that drive at night and he takes her to straddle the state line and therefore "be in two places at once"?

I wanted to BE Jamie Sullivan...well except for the dying part. I sighed and swooned as I watched her be swept off her feet by, in my teenage opinion, the OMG SOOOO sexy Landon. I actually had a lot of similarities to her before the movie so once I saw it I thought...well hey that's me....that could happen to ME! My dad was a pastor, I had a things-to-do-before-I-die list, I loved acting, I loved the stars, I wanted a butterfly tattoo, I had a quote book, etc. So I expected that my boyfriend should likewise sweep me off my feet and turn my whole world into a fairytale. I mean...it happened in the movie...that should totally happen in real life.

As it turns out, as much as I wanted to be the romantic, it is hard not to eventually become a realist. High school boys do not, on average, learn to dance, take you to expensive dinners, and find unique and romantic ways to help you achieve all of your life goals.

But it is now, as an adult, that I realize that those goals that seemed so romantic and un-achievable were really silly and small. This struck me last night as I returned from a run and simultaneously unloaded groceries, folded laundry, stretched, ran a kids bath, and cleaned up my living room...all while holding a baby. At the same time my husband was doing dishes, fixing a pre-schooler bed time snack, laying out clothes for the next day, and wiping counters...all the while talking on the phone with a business partner telling them to buy this and sell that and a lot of big business terms I could only explain with the help of a dictionary.

And I thought to myself....Two places at once? Ha. Try ten. Jamie had no idea how juvenile that wish was. I bet most mothers can testify that on average they are in at least 3 places at once. And then I realized something....it may not look like a scene from a sappy romance...but with the help of my husband I am accomplishing my list. The two of us together can be in twenty places at once and our dance might be one of holding hands over the gear shift on the way to the grocery store...but it speaks just as loudly...perhaps even more so...of the love we have then a dance on a balcony at sunset.

Reverse Birth Control

Recently a child free friend who joined me and the kids at the grocery store during one of Little Lady's more...demanding... days commented that these kids are birth control all on their own. And there are days when boy is she bang on. But today has had the reverse effect of my reproductive longings.

First of all in the last few days I have finally started to see the effects of some really intentional discipline on Little Lady. After feeling exceptionally frustrated with her lately we decided to change our tactics slightly to IMMEDIATE, calm, and related consequences to misbehavior. For example rather than calling her to the table ten million times we call her once and if she doesn't come we call her again and say if she doesn't come right now the toy she is distracted with will be taken away for a day. Then we follow through. All of it is done calmly and quickly. Zero yelling or delaying. It's been REALLY hard sometimes not to snap at her or to carry through when I'd really rather not or to actually discipline her when I almost feel it would be quicker, and take me from what I'm doing less, if I just continued to call. But something had to change for all our sanity so we gave it a try. On top of that we've really been focusing on good behavior and on spending quality time with her.

Anyway, today she has been an angel, listening the first time I tell her to do something and with a smile on her face. But the real boost to my baby desire came when I asked her to clean her room so I could vacuum. It was a pretty big mess from her very imaginative morning and usually she will pick up a few things and I will end up doing the rest. Since she's only three I usually feel pretty content if she just helps out with some of the stuff or does one of the jobs, like put away all her ponies. So I wasn't expecting much but when I walked in the WHOLE room was clean. It was like a miracle! My little cleaning prodigy!

Lancelot also impressed me today by beginning to stand on his own while holding an object and by walking a step or two between furniture. I feel some intense independence coming on. It won't be long until I really won't have a baby anymore.

On top of that Lancelot and her played house ALONE (with me peeking to make sure nobody was passed out or anything) in his room for HALF AN HOUR today! Well, she played house and he cooperatively crawled in and out of doors when she told him to and otherwise played with his toys and ate his feet. But nobody bit, kicked, hit, or cried about the other kid! And Lancelot, a complete mamma's boy, didn't even attempt to crawl away to find me or scream for me to scoop him up and get him back into my sight! I was totally in awe. It really was worth it to have siblings!

Now if only there was a way to skip the sleepless nights, sickness, and stress I think I'd practically be begging for another baby!

Hello Again World

Today it is a month since I last posted. It's been a LONG month filled with weekly doctors appointments for two sick kids and a sick mommy and a LOT of meltdowns from a teething nine month old and a terrific/terrible three year old who thinks shes a teenager. There have been many moments when I want to pull my hair out, throw my hands up, and walk out ...preferably to the spa. But you know what's struck me? Even in these crappy days when my world feels pretty dismal and I feel pretty stuck as a parent.....I still love these kids to PIECES and I can't get enough of them.
I can't get enough of Lancelot's laugh or Little Lady's incredible imagination. I can't get enough of the hugs and kisses. I can't get enough of their soft, squishy, sweet scented bodies.

And I feel like they're growing up WAY to fast!

Lancelot ...no longer little..is wearing 18-24 month clothes! He started crawling this month and he's into EVERYTHING! It's both exciting and exhausting. He especially loves to crawl to the bathroom, pull himself up on the tub, and play.
He can ALMOST stand on his own and occassionally he thinks he can walk and takes off only to immediately land in a face plant due to lack of balance.
He has decided he DOES NOT like baby food anymore and refuses to eat anything that we are not eating. This makes meal planning pretty interesting at times since I don't want him to have to many spices or sugars yet and since we are keeping him off dairy due to his chronic ear infections.
Little Lady is no longer little anymore either. She has for the first time grown above her age in clothing and is now wearing size 4. She is really into reading lately. She tries to figure out letters and words and spends a lot of her time looking at books. She loves to play outside and do everything by herself...including climbing the ladder on her play structure which totally freaks me out.
The other morning I was nursing Lancelot and she wanted breakfast. I had already poured her cereal but not her milk because I didn't want it getting soggy but since I was in the other room nursing I told her she could eat her cereal dry until I came. Well a moment later I heard the fridge door...."oh man. here comes trouble." I thought. However when I went to check a few minutes later she had nicely poured milk (from our 4 litre jug) into her bowl, eaten all her cereal, then proceeded to pour milk in my cereal bowl and eat all my cereal....all without spilling a drop! Then she had wiped the table after for good measure!
Despite being incredibly mature sometimes she has also been a HUGE handful lately. Her breakdowns make me TERRIFIED of her tean years.

As they grow it makes me sad that these are possibly my last days with "babies". After two extremely difficult pregnancy's and complicated deliveries and then with all the sickness we had to deal with after Lancelot we made the decision not to have any more children biologically. At the same time we are still considering adoption (we were in the process before I surprisingly got pregnant with Little Lady) but we know that getting a "baby" might be difficult. I am excited and nervous about that prospect. Right now I don't know what the future holds for our family but I am enjoying the dream of days ahead.

Down in discouragville

My kids have alternately or together been sick for three months....THREE MONTHS! I HATE Winter! I hate cold and flu season! I hate that I hate what used to be my favourite season because "oh the snow is soooo romantic and everything looks beautiful" and blah...blah...blah. I was so naive then.
More than any of that I hate the way I feel that my kids are being punished for me trying to be and do something positive. I know it probably sounds ridiculous...but around Christmas I made two decisions....1)to get more involved in our community and to let my name stand to be part time director of our local youth drop in center, and 2) to be more positive about life because I am such a pessimist. Well, it seems like every time I make a move towards being more positive, like saying "The kids seem to be on the upswing" rather than saying "The kids are STILL sick."...they get sicker. Or when I try to do something for the drop in ministry like have a meeting or get together with the teens....the kids get sick. And I feel like they are being punished in order to keep me out of commission. That probably sounds like a crazy paranoid pessimist talking...and maybe it is...but it's how I feel. And it makes me want to scream and cry and rage and be anything but perky and positive.
For example....three times now I have tried to have some local teens over on their lunch break. We live right by the high school and I thought it would be a good opportunity to get to know them and get their ideas on the drop in. Every time, the NIGHT BEFORE, my kids get sicker and we are up all night.
This time I really thought it would happen. I mean we've been sick for THREE MONTHS, we've been at the doctor EVERY WEEK, SURELY this time we'd be healthy. And until the last minute we were. Until Lancelot woke me in the night retching for the first time in his life and his sisters rash which she has had for over a week and has been prescribed lotions for decided to have a wicked flare up and send her into a tailspin monumental breakdown. And so we cancelled....again. And right now I just want to give up.

Genetic Lottery.....or not

Long legs, major muscles, hair that turns heads, these are the things you WANT to get given to you through your genetic code. My kids, however, got the short end of the stick.

We went to the doctor again today...if we were American our doctor would be filthy rich, rolling in money by now. It seems we are there at least once a month. The whole office knows us by name...they even get out the special Dora stickers for Little Lady because they already know that's what she'll want. Lancelot is so used to going there he flirts shamelessly with both the receptionist AND the doctor. I say he should go for the doctor, I wouldn't mind that for a daughter in law. Of course....Lancelot flirts with EVERYONE female. I cannot take him to a restaurant or even the hospital without all the nurses gushing over him and then of course saying he can't be sick because LOOK HOW ADORABLE AND SMILEY HE IS! Right.

Anyhow, Little Lady has had a cough for three weeks straight that has not improved one iota and was starting to have me freaked out because OMG WHAT IF SHE HAS CANCER/PNEUMONIA/PULMONARY FAILURE SOMETHING OR OTHER TERRIBLE DISEASE....because yes I am that paranoid. So we traipsed off to the doctor AGAIN and sure enough it turns out that that little cold she had triggered asthma which she so luckily inherited from me. Sorry kiddo....you did not get mommy's long fingers or big brown eyes which have more than once been refered to as "Model eyes" or "Bedroom eyes" (hmm...maybe I DON'T want my daughter walking around with those eyes!)...you got her asthma. Lucky you. So every time she has a cold or allergies she's at risk for it triggering her asthma. The upside is that a) it seems to, like mine, only be triggered by colds or allergies which means she should at least not be on inhalers very regularly and b) Since I have pretty much had every inhaler/asthma medication in the book I at least understand how to operate all these weird inhaler contraptions.

Then just because I am that paranoid I asked the pediatrician if she could please check Lancelot's ears as well since he seems to be pulling on them lately and since every time he has a cold he seems to have had an ear infection and he's had a NASTY runny nose for over a week. Our pediatrician is the most amazing woman ever and even though she knows I am overly paranoid because of Lancelot's start in life she always obliges me and gives the kids a head to tow IS EVERYTHING WORKING RIGHT? ARE YOU SURE? REALLY SURE? I MEAN REALLY BECAUSE I AM SURE I HEARD HIM SNIFFLE ONCE LAST WEEK AND THIS COULD BE THE END OF THE WORLD examination just to calm my crazy nerves. So she turns to me and says, "Well it's a good thing you asked me to check because you were right. He's got an ear infection." Again. He just got off antibiotics for one two weeks ago. It turns out that this is Lancelot's lucky lottery win....his dad's ear canals. Prince Charming has strange shaped ear canals that he apparently passed on and until he had his tonsils out around grade 3 also had constant ear infections since his ears wouldn't drain properly. Of course...Lancelot also looks EXACTLY LIKE HIS DAD.... except with my dad's build and height (solid and tall). So he kinda did win the lottery there.

So we are on a new round of all sorts of interesting medications around here again. Hopefully this time things clear up quickly and for GOOD. Or at least for many MANY months and we can give our poor pediatrician a break. Then again, she IS Canadian...so she's probably poor anyway.

Crafty Christmas

Christmas is creeping up quickly and it's time to start planning the perfect presents. This year Prince Charming and I decided to do the crafty, creative thing and make as many gifts as possible. Some gifts for the kids won't be but we decided that for others and for each other they had to be made, or at least personalized or homemade. In other words they don't have to be handmade by us specifically. Prince Charming negotiated this little exception since he's not especially crafty. So for example, items with photos on them are personalized so they count as do things bought at craft shows, items that are engraved, etc.
So since being creative requires more time than a trip to the mall I need to get cracking. Anyone have any ideas for gifts?
All I keep thinking about is the episode of friends where Chandler and Monica are supposed to make each other's valentine gifts and Monica steals Phoebe's sock puppet and Chandler comes up with crotchless panties....
I keep hearing Monica's frantic voice in the back of my mind...."MAKE the presents! MAKE the presents!"

Under my Umbrella

Every night this week we have been out and have only tucked ourselves into bed well after midnight. My mind and body are extremely exhausted...but my soul is still soaring after our incredible news on Monday. Even the fact that we have been able to be OUT this week has me wanting to dance...even if my feet (and every inch of me) are thoroughly worn out. I cannot get over the wonderful news God has given us. As I celebrate though I realize how so much of what we were given is due to the power of prayers from many people...hundreds who I don't even know. Without the amazing support of friends and family I'm not sure we would have survived. Reflecting on these relationships I realized that I may not be able to exactly pay it back...but perhaps I can pay it forward.

I would like to offer my blog as a base for prayers for those experiencing difficulties in their pregnancies or with their newborns or young babies. I am going to place a bar on the side where I will list people and a bit about their specific prayer requests as well as a link to their blog if they have one. This way more people can pray for the children and parents in these situations. If you know of someone you would like to add just post a comment on any one of my blog posts and I will ad them. You can also use my link button to post on people's page to let them know that they are on the prayer list. I would like to come up with some other ways to pay it forward but I'm going to start with this prayer list.

I'd also like to share the following with other moms facing fears for their children. The day before Lancelot's scope I was de-stressing in the bathtub and asked Little Lady to bring me a book. She happened to bring me a devotional book which I had not read in awhile. When I turned to next chapter I was supposed to read I saw it was entitled "David and Goliath". The entire chapter spoke to me so powerfully. Here are a few snippets:

"Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory." Deuteronomy 20:3-4

"Father God, I offer my praise today because You fight the battles for me (1 Samual 17:47). You act on my behalf, and nothing can hinder you from saving (1 Samual 14:6). Some may trust in chariots and some in horses, but I will trust in Your name because You are the Lord God, and above You is not other (Psalm 20:7). Amen."

"This is what the Lord says to you: "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours but God's."" 2 Chronicles 20:15

Rain Rain Go Away

I can't seem to stop thinking about the storm we have been facing. Maybe it's the fact that the last three days have been nothing but damp, dark and dreary but I just can't stop the fear from practically suffocating me. Even as I go about my day acting as if everything is fine...hidden back in my brain is the fear of our upcoming scope and all the weight the evaluation will carry. I feel like you do on those days when the heat and humidity make you unable to do anything but sweat and feel as if you are suffocating. It doesn't help that in the past few days Lancelot has been a nosier baby again with a lot of "musical" breathing, "Darth Vader" sounds, and a new one that sounds like a squeak toy. Prince Charming passes these off with a shrug and says, "Maybe he'll have a great movie career!". If only I found it so easy to be so cavalier about my son's vocal cords.
I hate the paranoia. As a child I had a phobia of the wind and would do almost anything to avoid being out in it. Just a slight breeze had me planning and back-up-planning every worst case scenario. What if a tornado would hit? Where would I go? What would I do? I feel like that now. Someone coughs near by my baby and I instantly feel my entire body tense. I want to scream at parents of other kids who come near. I want to wrap us all in bubble wrap or lock us up in a storm shelter. However, at the same time...I also want so badly to be back to normal. I am constantly battling that inner tug-of-war wondering where to draw the line.
The scope is on Monday. On Monday we will know whether we continue in this dreary weather...this wondering...this worry...this waiting. Or maybe we get good news. I think that would feel like a get-out-of-jail-free card. With how musical my little man has been I find it hard to believe we'll get the news we want. But I also know that God does miracles and I need to believe the best for my little boy.
Please continue to pray with us for complete healing of the vocal cords and that 1) the scope will go smoothly on Monday and 2)The cords will be fully functioning allowing us to walk out of that doctors office and never go back!
Thank you for your prayers and support!

Thank You

Thank you to everyone who has been praying and supporting us in the past couple of weeks. I know that I have mentioned it before but the truth is, I can't say thank you enough. Your encouragement and presence are what makes it possible for us to keep any kind of positive attitude and your prayers are what bring us peace. I don't think I have ever dipped into a lower more terrifying period in my life as I have these past few weeks. Waiting, wondering, worrying about what will become of my son, of my family. All of my time and energy has gone into simply surviving and I feel that spiritually my communication with God has been pretty much just desperate, stuttered pleas. It is God through all of you who has been carrying us through this time. You have been God with skin on to our family in an abundance of ways.
I was struck by this again yesterday. My mom booked me a massage and came to help Prince Charming with Little Lady and the baby so I could go. At the massage the story came out of what we had been going through and after a time the topic turned to the therapist and her husband considering having kids and from there to how she wanted to handle spirituality in their home. She mentioned that her mother had had a bad experience with church when she was a child as they were going through a difficult time financially and that particular church, rather than help, had continued to ask for money. Because of this bad experience the therapist had never really attended church but felt that perhaps when she had a family she might want to. Unfortunately she didn't believe there were any out there that were relevant to her. It was as I told her about our current experience, not just with our own church but with the church body as a whole....all the Christians from various congregations who have been praying for us, bringing us food, helping our family....that I realized how amazingly grateful I am to be part of such a large and loving body. I think it really gave her something to think about and I know it made me realize how amazingly blessed I have been.
Thank you for being here. Please continue to pray as we continue to fight this battle. We couldn't do it without you. You are God's hands and feet for us right now. Thank you.

Mighty to Save

This song has been in my head quite a bit since Lancelot's birth and as I am having a particularly bad day today...it came to me again. I found it comforting and decided to post it here for all of you. May Lancelot's name be a true testament to God's power to save throughout his life.


Everyone needs compassion
Love that’s never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Saviour
The hope of nations
CHORUS:
Saviour
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
VERSE 2:
So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender
BRIDGE:
Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We’re singing
For the glory of the risen King

An Ode To Faith by Patrick Overter

When you have come to the edge
Of all the light you know,
Into the darkness of the unknown.
Faith is knowing that
One of two things will happen,
There will be something solid to stand on
Or you will be taught how to fly.